Goodbye, 2008

Just a warning that this post will be all over the place:)

I bought myself a Christmas present. I finally got the Nikon D40 I've been wanting and saving for. I still don't know what I'm doing, but I love it. I have this hope that this fancier camera will make me an instant talented photographer. Well, I can hope...

It's New Year's Eve and hubby and I are hanging around our new house. Boy, we're getting old. But, it's just what I wanted. HGTV is on the tube, hubby is making soup, and I've been picking at the 3 layers of wallpaper for kicks. Just like my birthday, New Year's has a tendency to get me a little down...another year has come and gone without a baby in our home, despite our best efforts. I'm a pro-active person, so I'm not totally down with waiting around for something to happen. Not that we have any other choice. I'm not even feeling that hopeful right now.

What's a girl to do on New Year's Eve dressed in comfy clothes at 9:30pm? This girl is going to have a glass of wine with hubby...Happy New Year to all. Hope this is the year that dreams come true.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas!

Long time, no blog! It's just been an insane week with our move and the holidays on top of everything. I'm exhausted, to say the very least. The new house is a wreck and we're living out of boxes, but each day we're making a little bit of progress with getting things organized.

After the holidays, I'll be contacting our social worker about updating our homestudy. That will give me some extra motivation to get this place in order!

Happy Holidays!

Beware of what lurks in the bedside table

Yet again, another post about moving. I'm sure my regular readers (if any) will be just as glad as I will be when we actually move. I decided to tackle my bedside drawers and pack up its contents.

It turned out to be a time capsule of our infertility treatment era. I found my old basal body temperature thermometer (it still works!), a red sharps container of used needles circa 2004, the picture of our embryos from our 3rd IVF, a St. Gerard pin (patron saint of mothers and children), birth control pills from 2003 for which the reason I went on them escapes me, and a welcome packet from S*hady G*rove F*ertility C*linic. Some of the things I threw out. The sharps container gets to move with us. I don't know what to do with it, short of taking it into my workplace and disposing of it there. I just think it might be awkward if someone at work sees me doing this.

Another find was my diary from that time. The last entry was written over 5 years ago. I skimmed quickly through the journal, but I can't bring myself to read any of it. Still. It was such a painful time, I don't know if I could revisit it by reading what I wrote back then. Will I ever be able to read it, just for shits and giggles? Will I ever be able to fully put these feelings to rest? It makes me wonder how (or if) my feelings about my infertility experience will change once we finally have our little one in our home.

I ended up putting the diary in the box.

The trouble with multi-tasking

We have less than a week to go before the move! I can't believe it. I'm just cleaning and packing up the "back room" AKA supposed nursery-to-be. I had painted it a periwinkle a few years back thinking it would be good for a boy or girl. At the time, DH thought it looked purple, and thus only appropriate for a girl. I was annoyed because he didn't have an opinion about the color BEFORE I painted the entire room. Whatever.

So, I just got done taking pictures off the wall and I thought I would touch up the paint for the new owner. We still have the paint. I just put one coat, so it dried pretty quickly. Now, it's not matching and it's very obvious. I just got done telling DH about my quandary and he said, "What (do you mean), the purple?". Hmmmpphh.

I should just focus on the packing.

Random stuff (when I should be packing)

1) Going back to my previous post about F*acebook, I remembered one slight downside (not really a downside, but more a reminder that we're way behind) to fb....last night, I realized how many pregnancies I learned about on there since I joined just cruising around, being nosey, and reading posts. I've got to stop looking at other people's profiles.

2) I had my first knitting lesson this past weekend and I enjoyed it! It's actually relaxing and a nice distraction.

3) I'm really looking forward to moving. Our house is a mess and filled with boxes. Unfortunately, there are more empty boxes than full ones. The boxes are winning. I'm going to have to step it up this weekend. I don't really let hubby help because I'm an anal-retentive control freak.

4) I'm going to update our profile. I'm thinking about it more and more and I realize that it's too wordy. We're moving and our dog passed away (he's in our current profile), so it has to be done anyway. Our facilitator doesn't think it needs to be. She said that when we're matched, we can explain what's changed. Despite her thoughts, I still think it needs to be revised.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading...

F*acebook

I have to admit...I'm addicted to f*acebook. I am trying to wean myself off, but it's just so damn interesting to read about people I haven't seen in years! One of my friends invited me and she has since bailed ship, stating that she is on the computer way too much. I didn't know there was a "too much" for internet usage. Maybe that is my problem. FB can be quite the time-sucker if you're not careful.

Anyway, I've reconnected with quite a few people from high school. This is the MOST interesting aspect of f*acebook. Next year will be our 20 year reunion. As I peruse the profiles of my former classmates (which usually include photos), I'm often thinking things like, "He has children???!!" and "She has 4 kids under the age of 6???".

If you're lucky enough to have not caught the fb bug, there is an area on each person's profile where you can see the education and work place, etc. Some people might look at that and compare where their lives are. I look at how many kids they each have and how old they are and can't help but think how very far behind I am. *sigh*

What's been going on...

Whoa...15 posts in November. I've been quite prolific this month. You'd think that I got matched or something. Nope. Just getting the hang of this blogging thing, I think.

On the moving front, we'll be getting out of here the weekend of Dec. 19th. Lucky for us, we put an addendum in the agreement of sale that says we can rent back from our buyer for up to a month. We're aiming to get out ASAP, but it's not going to happen on settlement day. Kind of glad about that, because that would be craziness. Not that it won't be crazy moving the weekend before Christmas. Fortunately for us, we have wonderful friends and family willing to give us a hand that weekend. Got the carpet cleaners and the cable installer lined up for that weekend too:)

We've had a birth in our extended family and I've had some bloggy friends getting matched!! Special shout out to my friend, Reggie Boppy for her recent match. Check out her wonderful blog and send her your best wishes for a successful placement!

No news from the facilitator, even with that buzz of activity going on recently there. Guess we weren't part of that. Boo. Back to standing on the sidelines...I'll check in with her next week.

I need to work on the Christmas shopping. And I'll have to get in touch with our social worker to update the home study after we move. Other than that, not much else going on right now.

Thankful

Thanksgiving is upon us. The holidays will be here before we know it. And this year, with the move, I'm not totally in the Christmas spirit. Until....

My lovely sister-in-law, L, had an idea to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas for her, me, and our other sister-in-law. She knows someone who is going through a difficult time right now dealing with a very young daughter who was diagnosed with eye cancer. Besides it being an emotionally, mentally, and physically difficult time dealing with a seriously ill child, from what I understand, it's also a tough time for the family financially. There are also 3 other kids in the family.

So, L had this idea for the 3 of us to plan, prepare, cook, and deliver Christmas dinner for them on Christmas Eve. I hope this brings a little joy to them. It's just like L to not only want to do this, but to put a plan in action. Not to mention, she has her hands full with 2 daughters of her own.

It humbles me and I'm a bit ashamed. I can get stuck at times thinking the "woe is me" thing and "why us?" and sometimes I need a little reminder about how fortunate I truly am. Unfortunately, it sometimes takes getting out of my bubble and hearing about others who are truly struggling to remind myself of this.

I may hate to get up at 6am to go to work, but I have a job. I have student loans out the wazoo, but I have an education. My mother drives me nuts sometimes, but my parents are alive and healthy. My siblings and I may not be on the same page with certain things, but we always have each others' backs. I have a supportive and loving family. My husband gives me many reasons to love him more each day after 9 years. And, not many people can say this, but I truly enjoy being with my in-laws. I get along with my sisters-in-law, so much so that we can actually do this together to help another family who is not as fortunate as ours.

How lucky is that? I'm feeling better about this holiday season.

Calendar girl

It's been about 8-1/2 months since we became homestudy approved. That would be the time since we actually became "pregnant on paper". If I were a fertile, I would likely have swollen ankles and a hankering for Taco Bell every night at this point of the pregnancy. If you're paying attention, I mentioned before that I'm sentimental and to prove that, I keep a notebook that includes dates of important points in our adoption journey. Here is just a sampling...October 31, 2007 (also hubby's birthday) was the first time I talked to our adoption person. January 18, 2008 was when said adoption person received the contract and our money. May 2, 2008 was when I purchased our first baby item (pack 'n play). November 4th was my last check-in. Next check-in will be December 4th.

I like to document these dates, even though some may not seem too monumental. For example, November 25, 2007 was the date I bought "Adoptions for Dummies" at Borders. Now, I'm wondering why the heck I wrote that down. Maybe because it made me feel like we were serious about this adoption thing. I don't know. A year later, still no baby, but I feel like we've come a long way emotionally from when we started the process. I don't have the ultrasounds, the twinges in the belly to show that a little one is in there, the expanding waistline (oh wait, I do have THAT), but I can look at my notebook and see how our journey progressed and how excited I am. Maybe our child would like to see that one day.

I guess I'm not prepared

I received this e-newsletter from the I*AC Center (*Infertility and Adoption Counseling) in NJ. I've never been there myself, because of distance issues, but it sounds like they may have some good programs. Anyway, there is one article in the newsletter about "What to do during the wait". Here is the domestic adoption list:

For Domestic Adoption
1. Learn about networking to locate a birth family
Believe me, I'm trying...

2. Consult an OB-GYN and read materials about pregnancy and delivery so you can communicate with birth parents.
Huh?

3. Consult a pediatrician to involve them in the first steps you take in parenting. Feels like putting the cart before the horse from where I'm sitting, but I do have 2 word-of-mouth recommendations on a practice.

4. Learn about communicating with birth parents before, during and after the formal adoption occurs.
I can say that I'm learning some about doing this through reading wonderful blogs by amoms-to-be who have been matched. OK, I'll semi-check this one off, although I'm sure I'll still feel clueless when the time comes.

5. Learn how you will make quick travel arrangements and what you will need to bring with you.
Is there any specific way to make 'quick travel arrangements'? If so, I'd like to hear about it. My plan was to call USAir and book tickets, which will likely be at an astronomical cost. Luckily, we have frequent flyer miles. I should probably read about how that actually works since we never used them before.

6. Attend a Baby Care for adoptive parents workshop
Again, feels like putting the cart in front of the horse, but I have some info about where we can do this if we have some time between the match and birth. Otherwise, we're totally screwed (just kidding...not totally)

7. Learn about hospital issues in adoption. How is it handled, how you can participate and how to handle emotions, decisions, gifts, etc.
I guess this is assuming you know what state and hospital where the birth will take place. Any ideas?

I guess it's a practical list, but right now, matching and placement seem like something that happens to other couples. I can't see myself actively doing any of these things until something actually happens.

A hopeful email

We received an email today from our facilitator's office, which gave some hope. The email stated that "many" profiles were sent out because they had "a lot of recent activity and contact with birthmothers". Yay! Finally, it sounds like it's getting busier. It seems the main purpose of the email was to list 6 situations which they considered "challenges" and to see if any prospective aparents were interested...one wanted a specific religion, others had geographic requirements, etc. None of the situations listed matched with our criteria. But at least, maybe our profile went out with the "many" that did.

Here's an excerpt of the email, which was exciting for me:
As you can tell, we are very busy spinning our wheels trying to find the right matches for everyone. We are currently working on additional Caucasian situations and hope to have a few new matches in the next week....It seems we are getting a lot of calls for babies due in December...

U R Uber too!

Thanks for this, Reggie Boppy! That's very sweet:) And a big compliment coming from her, since I enjoy following her blog very much.

About this award...
The "uber" (synonym for super) is a blog award given to sites who:
- inspire you
- make you smile and laugh
- or maybe give you amazing information
- a great read
- has an amazing design
- and any other reason you can think of that makes them uber amazing!

The rules for my award recipients...

1) Put the logo on your blog or post.

2) Nominate at least five blogs (can be more)that for you are uber amazing.

3) Let them know that they have received this uber amazing award by commenting on their blog.

4) Share the love by linking to this post and the person you received the award from.

And my Uber Amazing Awards go to...

~ Holly - she is generous in spirit and I've enjoyed reading about her recent match...congrats and best wishes to her!
~Melba - she's earned another one from me...I'm an avid reader of her blog. It's warm and insightful. It's great.
~Merlot - a girl from my 'hood (not far anyway) and someone I feel connected to. Always a good and often funny read. Hopefully, we'll meet up one day soon IRL;)
~Bri - just started following her story...and I'm already pulling for her to get a match soon!

I'm cheating and just picking 4 this time!

Packing up the house...and our dreams

I just started the process of packing our things in preparation for our move to a new home next month. I'm overwhelmed. I'm kind of an organization freak, even though you would never guess that looking at my desk. I have a system, OK?

I'm sentimental and it's usually my downfall. It will be 12 years ago next month that my husband bought this house. This is the house we were in when we got married. This is the house where I thought we would start our family. We never got to make that other bedroom into a nursery.

I'm sad, but at the same time excited about getting out of here. Yeah, I know...we'll make new memories in our new home. I think it's just what we need. Moving is giving us a fresh new start. It's just the 2 of us now with Jake gone. We still have so much to look forward to. My husband went on a fishing trip today (on the ocean in November. Sounds like fun.) I'm going to try to be productive today.

Have you heard the one about the lawyer who....

OK, I'll lay off the lawyer jokes...for now. In the last week or so, I've been seriously thinking of ways to supplement the work (or lack of, these days) by our facilitator. Yes, our profile was sent out to a bmom recently, but I'm not holding my breath. The facilitator says it is very slow, as in not many bmoms casting shadows on her doorstep. A friend of mine from my favorite adoption board used an attorney for her match and pending placement, so I thought I would do some research. She gave me the website www.adoptionattorneys.org and I emailed 9 attorneys in Pennsylvania. I've received 4 responses so far...one female attorney seemed very biased against facilitators, but said she was willing to help us for a consultation fee of $175. Thanks, but no thanks. I don't need to be judged. The second one works only in the western part of the state, so she's out. Another one is sending me information about his services. Finally, one only does legal work, so I'll keep him mind if we need it. He reminded me in his email that in Pennsylvania, it is illegal to provide "money or any gifts of value" to a birthmother and would adversely affect finalization in the state. I'm hoping to go out of state because of PA's 30-day termination of parental rights (TPR) period. Ideally, we would finalize in the state where the bmom is, as long as the TPR is not like PA's. I know it is rare that disruption takes place and many people adopt successfully within PA, but I don't want to take the chance. My heart couldn't take it.

Back to waiting...

More nesting...got my Moby

I finally picked up the Moby wrap baby carrier I've been wanting. I had a $5 coupon for it. I wanted the Navy, which they didn't have, so bought Chocolate instead (see pic).

How I wish I had this t-shirt years ago...

I can't get the picture any bigger, so here's what it says:

1) "Relax and quit thinking about it and it'll happen!"
2) "Have you tried lying with your legs in the air, you know...after?"
3) "Maybe it's him."
4) "I know what you're going through...it took us six months with our third!"
5) "Just adopt."

I've had every one of these (or some version of it) said to me. I especially hold #4 near and dear to my heart. It took all I had not to slap the people who have said that to me upside the head. And the "Just adopt" comment....arggghhh. As if you can go to a kiosk at the mall and pick up a baby. If these people only knew what the adoption process entails.

The t-shirts at evilgeniuswoman.com are awesome...I like snarky sometimes;)

Healed over

There is a metaphor for infertility, or any loss, and the healing process that I believe is so true....infertility is like a wound and over time, it scabs over. Things like pregnancy announcements, for one, can rip that scab right off. Ouch! And then, with time and after much frustration and sometimes tears, the scab slowly forms again. The wound may be healed over by the scab, but it's still under there.

As mentioned in my previous post, I went away this weekend with some high school friends to a cabin in the mountains. I only get to hang out with most of the girls once a year at this trip and it's always fun and relaxing and a great time to catch up. I've been going on this trip about 8 or 9 years and I missed going about 2 times when we were in the throes of infertility treatment. They all know that we are adopting. Actually, last year was when I gave the news that it was our plan to adopt and they were all excited for us. Of the eight of us that go up every year, six have children. So, of course there is a lot of talk about kids, showing of pictures, past labor stories, etc.

Today, I was briefly thinking that being among moms and being a listener during these group conversations, rather than a participant during the "mom talk" didn't bother me so much. I've come a long way. Knowing that we're waiting for a baby definitely helps. I can only hope that next year, I'll be able to join in when they talk about this stuff.

Ready for a getaway

I'm going on an annual mountain getaway with some high school friends this weekend. It's a fun and relaxing getaway where we drink, eat, talk, and do nothing. I'm about ready for that.

On the adoption front, got a call from our facilitator's office yesterday. We were asked if we wanted to be presented for a situation. So, off the profile went to a prospective birthmom. We shall see what happens...

The sale of our house is coming along. We signed the agreement of sale with our buyer yesterday. I guess we're really doing this...our house is being inspected this weekend and I'm so glad I won't be around for that.

Election Day and other activities

If you're reading this, I hope you voted today. If you didn't yet, please sign off and go vote. Please. *stepping down from soapbox*

Got a random mass e-mail from an agency I had researched a year ago. I sometimes get information on situations that are available with them. For the first time, I decided to give them a call (called my facilitator today too...nothing new there...big surprise). I talked with the assistant and had most of the correct YES answers...homestudy ready? Check. Profile ready? Check. Specific budget for adoption? Uh. Depends on what kind of money we're talking about. So, the director will be calling me back tomorrow, supposedly. The situation sounds interesting. Even if nothing comes of it, I want to know if this agency has some type of networking program where you don't have to necessarily sign on as a client. I felt empowered calling the agency today, just as I felt empowered in the voting booth today. I "voted for change" AND I'm electing to step our networking efforts up!

Hopefully, I'll hear back from the agency director. It will be exciting to get ANY type of call related to adoption!

We interrupt this blog...for the Phillies!

This is a bit delayed...So, my husband and I became big fans of our hometown team this summer. We watched the games every chance we could (to the annoyance of many haha) Then, they do something we've been waiting so long for in this sports-crazed city....they go and win the World Series!! We were very fortunate to go to at least 1 game during each of the postseason series against Milwaukee, L.A., then Tampa Bay for the final game. It was so exciting to actually be there when they won on October 29th. GO PHILS!

No outward signs

I read a post on another blog recently (you know who you are;)) about being "pregnant on paper" and it got me thinking...here we are, 7+ months of being officially ready to adopt, excited, but admittedly reserved about it. We are expecting a baby and it could be any day, but no visible signs to let other people in on it, unless we divulge, of course. We usually keep most details to ourselves though. That's how we roll:) Besides, there hasn't been anything else exciting to tell family and friends, other than we're in the adoption process, and all of the important people in our life already know about that.

We've been through the IF "extravaganza" and back and I think we deserve some type of visible indication to the outside world that we are finally expecting...something subtle, like a wearable sandwich board sign. It would say something like, oh I don't know..."I'm adopting. Please tell me that I'm glowing/hold the door for me/ask me how I'm feeling". (This is a ME post...I'm obviously feeling a bit jealous of preggos today. Guess it's because I saw a preggo friend yesterday).

Being "pregnant on paper" makes me happy. In the adoption world, this means a lot. It means that we're that much closer to our ultimate goal and dream of becoming parents and having a child that is ours. Unfortunately today, I woke up thinking that we have been waiting so long with no match, not even news that we were in the running. It just seems that everyone I encounter in the blogging world and on my fave adoption board is matching or having their profile shown frequently. I know I shouldn't compare. That's just how I feel anyway...maybe I need a sign that it will happen for us soon.

A meme, for me

I'm not sure what "meme" means, but my friend Reggie Boppy has passed this very cool award to me (Thanks B!). I love her blog!

So, this is how it goes: I answer the questions with ONE word and then pass the award on to 7 other bloggers.
1. Where is your cell phone? counter
2. Where is your significant other? work
3. Your hair color? black
4. Your mother? caring
5. Your father? funny
6. Your favorite thing? computer
7. Your dream last night? none
8. Your dream/goal? mother
9. The room you're in? living room
10. Your hobby? reading
11. Your fear? heights
12. Where do you want to be in six years? home
13. Where were you last night? game
14. What you're not? tall
15. One of your wish list items? camera
16. Where you grew up? Pennsylvania
17. The last thing you did? facebook
18. What are you wearing? pajamas
19. Your T.V.? on
20. Your pet? none
21. Your computer? Dell
22. Your mood? lazy
23. Missing someone? Jake
24. Your car? leased
25. Something you're not wearing? tiara
26. Favorite store? Target
27. Your Summer? short
28. Love someone? yes
29. Your favorite color? blue
30. When is the last time you laughed? today
31. Last time you cried? recently

I'm cheating and not picking 7...
And my "I Love Your Blog" awards go to Trace, Erin, Marcie, and Melba

Let's potentially prolong our adoption process, shall we?

We've set the wheels in motion to buy a new house. Probably not the best thing to be doing right now, but one thing I learned from infertility treatments is to NOT put our lives on hold. We've been casually looking for a while now and finally found a house that we could see ourselves being in and more importantly, afford. We submitted an offer and it was accepted. The home inspection went fairly well with no major surprises. This is a fixer-upper with a capital, FIX UP. Mostly cosmetic, but it's a bit daunting. We've been through this before though. We applied for the mortgage last night and the house will be appraised next week. So...if all goes well with those things, we could settle in less than 2 months.

One positive thing is that we have a potential serious buyer for our current house. There are a few wrinkles to iron out, namely the final price, but this may actually work out. (It's during these times that I really wish I was on anti-anxiety medication.) Nice to think that we may not have to put our house on the market.

How does this affect our adoption process? Well, according to our facilitator and social worker, not too much. I won't have to update our profile. But our homestudy will have to be updated, of course. It is due to be updated in March anyway.
I L-O-V-E the thought of having our social worker visit this house so soon after we move in. Fortunately, her husband is a carpenter (like mine) and they renovated their house, so I'm pretty sure that she'll understand. When I mentioned it to her via email, she replied that it's not a big deal. She just has to see that there is room for baby and update our physical address (is that worth $300??). As my husband says, my problem is that I like things to be a "certain way", if that makes sense. A thought that has crossed my mind is to put the homestudy update on hold, if just for a month or two, just so I can feel like I'm at least halfway organized. That really wouldn't make sense though, because if an adoption situation comes up, we won't be ready.

I consider myself a multi-tasker, or in other words, a woman. Is multi-tasking in the genetic make-up of women? This would be our luck to get THE CALL in the next few months, along with the move, working on the house, figuring out the finances. Ugh.

So, I'm seeing this possible move as a very good distraction or an invitation for the universe to throw it all at me. Bring it on!

Not much to report...ho hum (facilitator update #5)

I haven't posted anything lately. This is mainly because there hasn't been much going on in our life related to adoption. Lots of other changes though...our beloved dog, Jake, passed away and now we're planning to move to a new house by the end of the year. So, the adoption journey is pretty stagnant right now. I contacted our facilitator and there's nothing new going on there. However, while we're "busy" waiting, life goes on!

A difficult day

We had to put our dog down today. His hips just couldn't hold out anymore and he was in a lot of pain from arthritis. It was much more difficult than I ever imagined. I remember when we went to pick him up from the breeder almost 13 years ago...my first question was if the breed (Chesapeake Bay Retriever) was known for being good with kids. She said yes and through the years, he never proved her wrong. I just wish he would have gotten to know OUR child. He was such a great dog and we miss him. Rest in peace, Jakey.

Nesting...not just for the fertile and pregnant

Today, I had the day off and I spent most of my morning and early afternoon doing some baby item research and nesting via my Visa card. My plan was to add a few more things to the slowly growing pile of unisex onesies, bibs, and other assorted baby wear I have picked up here and there.

My first stop was this small local store called Birthmark, which I knew catered to pregnant women. My goal was to learn about different baby slings and carriers there and maybe pick one up. I have to admit that I was a little intimidated as I made my way to the shop. When I walked up to the door, there was a sign that read, "Birthmark: a boutique for new and expecting parents". Hey, I thought, I'm expecting! So I don't exactly know when I'm expecting. But seeing that put me a bit more at ease. I'm finally starting to see myself as "expecting". The saleswoman was so nice and friendly, which was good for me, because I was feeling clueless. When she asked if I had a baby or was buying a gift, I said, "No, we're waiting to adopt." This may not seem like a big deal, but this was a first for me. So, she helped me with the differences between the Moby wrap, the Ergo carrier, and the Kangaroo sling . It was a very educational trip! I think I've decided to get a Moby for now and maybe an Ergo carrier after baby is here. They didn't have any colors I want, so I'll have to go back for it.

Next stop was the ubiquitous Babies 'R Us (BRU). The nice thing about shopping there during the week is that it's not crowded and I don't have to watch myself so much from accidentally bumping into pregnant bellies. I bought some washcloths, cloth diapers (to use as burp cloths), a couple of outfits, and pacifiers.

The final stop on this tour of places-I-used-to-avoid-like-the-plague, was a place called Baby Super Mart. I actually found a cool wooden puzzle for my 3 year-old nephew. I also scored a cute diaper bag.

All in all, a pretty productive day. I think some moms-to-be waiting to be matched might think it's crazy and/or silly to start buying stuff at this stage of the game. I guess after all the years of infertility treatment and negative pregnancy tests, I'm finally an optimist.

I've been tagged!

Thanks to my lovely new friend Melba who has "tagged" me...I hope I do this right....

FIVE WAYS BLOGGING HAS AFFECTED ME:

Here are the rules:
1. Write about 5 specific ways blogging has affected you, either positively or negatively.
2. link back to the person who tagged you
3. link back to this parent post
4. tag a few friends or five, or none at all
5. post these rules— or just have fun breaking them

I'm tagging:

Deanna
Erin


1. It's given me a new hobby...I'm now addicted to blogging. I've only been doing it a short time, but in the last month, I've been kind of obsessed with it. It's been very cathartic to express my feelings and whatever else I'm thinking about at the moment. I'm not one to wear my heart on my sleeve, so it's been freeing to finally say what's been on my mind and in my heart for years, particularly about adoption and infertility.

2. I'm meeting and learning about people I wouldn't have had the chance to IRL...I don't feel so alone in my journey. It's been great for me to find others who understand and are going through the same things as me.

3. It helps me stay hopeful...the original purpose of my blogging was to keep family and friends in the loop about our adoption process. It's evolved more into a place for me to express myself. Since there isn't much to report on the adoption front for now, I have yet to make my blog "public" to those nearest and dearest to us. And, I guess, I'm just not ready to show this side of myself...yet. But with each post, I'm looking forward to sharing our journey with those who love and support us soon.

4. It has moved me from one passion to another...this summer, I've been really into following my baseball team, who are in the Pennant chase (Go Phils!). For those of you who don't follow baseball, this may seem like a positive thing. I'm feeling like not such a good fan. Since I'm blogging more, I haven't been watching as intently. Oh, I'm still following the games, but I'm usually checking out blogs or writing at the same time.

5. Suzie Homemaker, I am not....same as Melba, I've been lacking in the housekeeping department as of late. I have laundry out the wazoo and I desperately need to go food shopping TODAY. So, blogging has been a good distraction, but sometimes I'm a little too distracted from everything else!

Dogs are the gateway drug to babies

My husband and I have had our Chesapeake Bay Retriever, Jake, since 1995. He was 7 weeks old when we brought him home. Today is his 13th birthday. How time flies. Most people who know us know that he is like a kid to us. He's a big, sweet, and gentle guy, but doesn't move the way he used to. He's got the heart of a puppy though. Happy birthday, Jakey.

Infertility sucks, period.

When we finally decided to adopt, for me, there was the end of one dream and the beginning of a new one. I had to accept the fact that I would never be pregnant...I would never have that positive pee stick to surprise my husband with, there would be no big announcement to family and friends, no ultrasounds with my husband by my side, no wondering who the baby would take after more...and the list goes on and on for things that will not happen. The decision to adopt and the letting go of my dream of becoming pregnant did not happen simultaneously. The grieving of that loss (and it is a loss) occurred over several years before we even started the adoption process. Even though we're moving on and still working on building our family, the grieving continues, but in smaller ways.

I would be lying if I said I didn't still think about the possibility of becoming pregnant, although remote. We've all heard the tales of surprise pregnancy after adoption. They're like urban myths to me. They all usually go something like this (insert appropriate relationships/country or state/time frame)...someone's cousin's best friend's sister adopted from Guatemala and then found out a month later she was preggo. Of course, I have been told these stories numerous times. These stories usually make me want to continuously hit my head against a wall. We were diagnosed as having unexplained infertility, which in my mind is as frustrating and confusing as it comes. Because there is no specific reason why we were not able to conceive, the diagnosis automatically comes with a built-in glimmer of hope. However, I do have my reality checks....first of all, I am now 37 years old and with that comes 37 year old eggs. Secondly, we endured 6 (SIX!) IVF procedures that all resulted in big fat negative pregnancy tests. Lastly, we haven't used birth control in years. Zero random pregnancies.

I am so excited about the privilege of becoming a mom through adoption. Having said that, I think I will always carry some sadness because we will not have a biological child. There are some days that just throw me for a loop. The obvious are the pregnancy announcements and Mother's day, just to name a couple. But other events, such as the first day of school or a Johnson & Johnson commercial have been known to throw me into intermittent crying spells for hours, even days. Infertility has become part of who I am, but I will not to let it define me. As mentioned earlier, there will be things I will never get to experience. Motherhood is not one of them.

Yes, this is what I do in my spare time

Well, not usually....this evening I took some time to assemble more of our all-important adoption profiles (as well as watching the Eagles get their butts kicked by Dallas). I made the pages on the computer and had them printed out. Then, I place them in a presentation-grade binders, which were thoughtfully picked out at Staples. And you're right, it is as tedious as it sounds. But it is pretty important and very special.

Our adoption profiles are the scrapbooks that introduce us to potential birth mothers and hopefully, connect us with the one who will make our dream come true. I was told a few weeks ago (!) by our adoption professional that they needed more. If they have no profiles on hand, you are not "shown", which is not good in the domestic adoption world. The more times you are shown, the more chances to be connected to potential birth mothers. It's funny to me that I sent 4 profiles back in February. As if that would be enough. ha! So, off to the post office tomorrow to send these to our agency...

Adoption: Ten Things Any Waiting Father Should Know

"I liked this blog article...my husband must have read it already! "

Number #1: Understand that when your wife hears, “You know what they say, once you sign up with an adoption agency, you’ll get pregnant,” it’s...

View >>

Bingo, Target sales, and other ramblings from a waiting woman

When we finally decided to pursue domestic adoption, there were many things we had to do first so that we could start the process and legally adopt in the US. First, we had to decide on an adoption professional (agency, attorney, or facilitator), take out a loan so that we could cover most of the expenses, and do our homestudy which includes a visit to our home by a social worker. We had to get our legal and financial documents together and make a profile or scrapbook of us, our home, families, etc. to be presented to potential expectant moms. We also gathered references from friends and family. Then we had to get fingerprinted. Finally, we received the approval letter that basically said, hey wow, you are decent human beings. Whew! Little did I know this would be the easy part.

This current phase of the process we are in now consists of one thing....waiting for THE phone call from our adoption facilitator with news that we have been chosen by an expectant mom.

Most days, I'm totally fine. I've waited this long, right? I go on with my life and I stay pretty busy. But the other 10% of the time, I'm wondering when we'll get the call with news that our life has changed forever. This is the harsh reality of domestic adoption. The dreaded wait. Argh. I've waited almost 9 years to be a mom. We're now 5 months into our adoption wait...a mere drop in the bucket. This realization doesn't make it any easier.

With international adoption, there is at least some type of time frame in which you'll know when everything will happen, i.e. referral for a child, travel, etc. But with domestic adoption, I feel like I'm playing BINGO and we just need an N-24 (come on, N-24!). However, in this metaphor, I feel like we're playing with a game board which reads REJECT at the top and we'll never match. Maybe we don't make enough money, our house isn't big enough or nice enough, we're not that cute, and, to borrow from "Sex and the City", she's just not that into us.

I'm supposed to check in with our adoption facilitator about once a month. I don't really feel the urge to call more often than this because no news is just that...no news. I could probably start getting our 2nd bedroom ready for a baby. I guess part of me thinks that if I remain totally unprepared for a baby to come into our home, we'll get some good news. Then, I will have to start running around like a chicken with its head cut off getting baby stuff together at the last minute. I've always been better under pressure. It just doesn't seem like it will ever happen sometimes (see BINGO metaphor above).

I've bought 2 baby items so far. I bought a pack 'n play on sale and a 5 pack of 3-6 month onesies in green. Both times, I felt like a poseur in the store. I imagined someone coming out from behind the baby monitor display, pointing a finger at me, and yelling, "She doesn't belong here!". OK, maybe I'm being dramatic. But it is in these moments when I'm standing in the baby section at Target, that it does begin to feel real, or surreal, for me. One day, hopefully soon, we will be able to open these purchases that are collecting dust now, and use them for the little one we've been waiting for.

So, it's not a very original name...

The ultimate goal of this cyber diary is to share our adoption experience with friends and family. Right now, we're still hanging around, waiting to hear something (anything!). The thought that we could be parents any day now is...thrilling, exciting, joyful, scary, anxiety-provoking...all of this and more. Anyway, my hope is that when the time comes, we will be able to update everyone on what's going on through this blog. I may prove to be not so good at the blogging, but I'm gonna give it a shot....