Awards season

The Oscars?  Nah.  Emmys?  Yawn.  Golden Globes?  So 2009.

Bloggy awards?  Now, we're talking!  And I got me some!   Much, much better than the above.  As Sally Field once said, "You like me...you really, really like me!".  No red carpet though.  We in the bloggy community really must work on that.  At least I don't have to worry about what I'm going to wear.  Well, OK, if you must absolutely know who I'm wearing, it's vintage (1995?) Old Navy lounging pants and tee shirt with an undeterminable stain on the front and this season's Dearfoam black velvet slippers.  The bed did my hair. 

I have a number of people to thank for this Beautiful Blogger Award.  Melba, Jen, and Wendy....it's been a pleasure and an honor reading your journeys from when you were waiting parents to when you became new moms.  Jodi is someone I've been following for some time and she is just starting her adoption journey.  It's so exciting to read.  Geochick is a relatively new one I've been following and she's in the trenches right along with me during the wait.  She's funny and you should check her blog out if you aren't reading it already. 

Right back at you, ladies!

Here are the rules if you are a recipient:

1. Thank the person who gave you the award.

2. Post this award to 15 other bloggers that you like to follow.

3. Leave them a message on their blog so they know they received the award.

4. Post 7 things about yourself.

Who to choose?  I have seen that many of my fave blogs have already received this award.  These are some other deserving bloggers! 

Sissy - waiting, domestic adoption
Kelly - waiting, international adoption (Ethiopia)
Col - mom, domestic adoption
Dee - mom, domestic adoption and foster/adopt
Richele - mom, domestic adoption
Jill - mom, international  (China) and domestic adoption

Random things about me:
1.  Going to Jamaica in a few weeks.  We've never been there before. 
2.  I signed up for a graduate school open house in April.    
3.  I'm addicted to watching The Office (US) lately.  6:30pm on one channel and then 7:30 on another channel.  I get pissed if I miss it.  Mind you, they're all reruns.  I also just received Season 5 - Part 1 from N.etflix too.   
4.  I really enjoy making Hubbs laugh--hard.  He can be a tough egg to crack, so it's always fun. 
5.  We have 3 nieces and 2 nephews, ranging in age from 12 years (going on 26) to almost 5 months.
6.  I often check a local dog rescue website, specifically for their senior dogs available for adoption.
7.  I still have a picture of our embryos from one of our IVFs.  I can't see ever throwing it away, although it was painful when I came across it in a drawer.

It's that time of the year again

It's time for us to update our homestudy again.  The yearly exercise in jumping through hoops is upon us.  It's just too damn depressing.  Just a few months ago, when we thought that this adoption thing might actually work out, I had been very pleased by the thought that we wouldn't have to update again.  We were going to be off the hook until we went for adoption #2 and I looked forward to doing only the post-placement visits with the social worker.   However, since the match went kaput, here we are at homestudy update NUMBER 2. 

In our state, we're required to have criminal and child abuse clearances, fingerprint FBI checks, physicals, a financial information update, and a social worker visit to our home each year to update the home study.  While I understand why we, as prospective adoptive parents, have to endure this 'hazing by paperwork', it still ticks me off.  If Hubbs' sperm swam straight and my uterus wasn't apparently lined with Teflon, we wouldn't have to prove that we are not wanted in the 50 U.S. states and its territories, do not have any diagnosed mental afflictions (...yet, but this process is pushing me dangerously to the edge), that we are not raising livestock in our living room, and that we do in fact have indoor plumbing. 

Oh, the freedoms that come with being fertile!  Man, it sure must be nice.   Maybe I would like to have a goat grazing in the dining room without anyone being able to say boo about it (I do enjoy a nice chevre).  But NOOOOOO!  We have to have useless reproductive systems, or at least ones that aren't in sync.  Stupid unexplained infertility. 

Furthermore, while our homestudy social worker seems like a lovely and conscientious person, how do we know that SHE has working smoke alarms in her home?  Maybe she wipes her kitchen counters down with a dirty sponge.  For all I know, she has 8 cats and 1 neglected litter box.  What are her housekeeping standards?  Hey, has anyone seen the inside of her house?  I'm just saying.

Not fair!  Not fair!  Not fair!  (Picture me jumping up and down and holding my breath).       

OK, so there's my annual rant about the home study update process.  All we can hope for is that we don't need to do this a third time.  As you can tell by my tirade, a third homestudy update AND still no baby would be very bad. 

Speaking of which, I can't help but wonder how many more times we would want to update our homestudy if we're in the same childless, matchless situation at this same time next year.   Most of the time, I am hopeful and realize that it could happen at any time....

And here comes the 'what if?'....but what if it doesn't happen? 

With IVF treatments, there was an emotional, financial, and physical breaking point and they all came together to signal that it was time for us to call it quits.   Does it happen that way with adoption?   Will we have a breaking point, just as we did with infertility treatment?   I wonder.   

Has this ever crossed the mind of anyone who has been waiting or did wait for a long while?  And I'm not talking months, although I know that seems like a long time when you're in the midst of it.  I'm talking about when you're close to or over the two year mark of being in the process.  Like us. 

Maybe I'm the only one who has been waiting this long.  It sure feels that way.  Does anyone else hear tiny violins?  That song always makes me cry.       

The winner of the book giveaway

True Random Number Generator

Result:

13

The 13th eligible comment came from Maru....today is her very lucky day!  Not only did she win the book, but she mentioned that today was Finalization day for the adoption of her daughter!  Congratulations!! 

Maru, please email me at waiting_and_waiting at ymail.com to provide me with your address and I'll get the book right out to you.   

This is what Oprah must feel like

It's another children's book giveaway and it's my absolute favorite!  That's why I say that this is what Oprah must feel like, especially during her famous "My Favorites" episode each year....*ahem*... minus a gajillion dollars. 

Tell Me A.gain Abo.ut the Night I Was Bo.rn, written by Ja.mie Lee Cu.rtis and illustrated by  L.aura C.ornell, was the first children's book (or any item) about adoption that I found and bought a few years ago, long before we officially started our journey.  I love the premise of the book.  It's the story of a little girl who asks her parents to tell her (again) about the night they became a family.  It's a story she obviously knows by heart.         

To enter the random drawing for this book giveaway, I ask that you comment about the very first adoption or baby-related item you bought.  Yes, you'll have to work for this giveaway.  But I trust that it will conjure up only happy and hopeful memories. 

The deadline to enter is Friday, 2/19, 6pm EST

Thanks for reading and good luck!   

Our experience working with a facilitator, thus far

In my last post, I wrote about working with a consultant.  This post is about the start of our journey when we decided to go with a facilitator, based in CA.     

The choice to work with an ad.option facil.itator came after attending a few adoption agency information seminars in our area.  One, in particular, is the "big guns" when it comes to adoption agencies in our area.  This agency is probably the largest, most well-known, and reputable by all reports.  However, after the seminar, we didn't have such a warm and fuzzy feeling.  As I looked at the list of costs and fees, it seemed very expensive.  Also, as we sat in the seminar, we both also felt that we would be just a number.  One couple among many.  Of course, the agency's priority is to the expectant moms, which is how it should be.  But what about the adoptive parents?   We just weren't feeling it.

We attended another agency's information session in a neighboring state.  The agency director was a big goober.  Hubbs and I couldn't wait to get out of there.  This agency was later shut down and is out of business.  So far, based on what we had seen, a traditional agency wasn't feeling right for us.

I can't exactly remember what led us to a facilitator.  I know that from the beginning, we weren't really into adopting within our own state because of its relatively long amount of time bparents have to sign TPR (30 days where we are).  We were definitely open to adopting out of state and finalizing in one that had a much shorter period to TPR.   I remember connecting with someone on an adoption board who lived in my immediate area and we met in person.  She and her husband had signed with this facilitator, but ended up finding a bmom situation on their own locally.  The match was successful and they had put their profile on hold with the facilitator.  Eventually, they did adopt their second child through this facilitator.

I scoured the internet via adoption boards and the Better Business Bureau looking for any information on this facilitator.  What I really wanted to find was the "dirt".  I couldn't find anything.   I spoke with her and got a good feeling from her.  She was outgoing and friendly, she gave me hope, but I also feel that she was realistic.  I tend to be very skeptical and I didn't feel like she was selling me a bill of goods. 
Now, working with a facilitator, you have to break the rules that you read or hear when you're entering the world of domestic adoption:

Rule #1:  Never, ever pay a large amount of money upfront to an adoption professional
Rule #2:  Facilitators are illegal, unlicensed, and in general, a scam. 

OK, so we broke Rule #1.  But, as I looked at the agency adoption fees vs. the facilitator fee + homestudy + legal fees, the facilitator made more sense at the time.  We had our homestudy done on our own with an independent home study agency/social worker for MUCH cheaper than what the local agencies were charging for a home study.  We were able to shop around for services, instead of having all of the prices dictated to us.  We liked that part. 

It's not for everyone though.  There is something to be said for "one-stop shopping" and having everything done by the agency.  It definitely takes more footwork and research to do those things on your own that an agency would typically handle.

Additionally, in hindsight, it is not a great idea to invest that much money to one adoption person at the very start.  When I asked about why we had to pay so much money upfront, she answered that it was for advertising.  OK, made sense...at the time.  We've been in the process for 2 years and because we put a good chunk of money with her, our adoption budget has been limited substantially.  For a long time before we signed with the consultant, we felt very stuck with the facilitator and going nowhere. 

As for Rule #2 that has many prospective adoptive parents running for the hills when they hear the "F" word...in our state, facilitators are not allowed to work within the state.  That does not mean that we are not allowed to work with them.  If/whenever we are placed with a child through the facilitator, we will need to obtain additional help through an agency and/or attorney, depending on the state.

From my viewpoint, to summarize the differe.nce bet.ween faci.litators and con.sultants:  facilitators advertise and interact  directly with expectant moms, while consultants deal only with agencies and attorneys. 

The facilitator had put our profile on hold when we were matched through the consultant.  (The consultant said that we could not put our profile on hold had the facilitator matched us first).  I recently contacted the facilitator to reactivate our profile.  Our 2 year contract should have been up last month, but she is continuing to work with us. 

Another difference with facilitators (ours anyway) is that instead of regular contact, clients are to call in about once a month to see if there has been any activity on the profile.  Our profile goes out based on emom's criteria and ours.  I do like the aspect that we do not know when it goes out.  It is less stressful in that way.  But I would prefer regular contact not always initiated by me, which is what I get from the consultant.  Our profile went out about six times in 16 months....not a good track record at all.  That's probably related to a number of factors, such as our openness to available situations that came to her and the decline in expectant moms who came to her compared to previous  years.

So, that's been our experience with a facilitator up to this point.  Again, working with a facilitator is not for everyone, for sure.  I kind of have a love/hate relationship in my mind with ours.  The truth is, if I had to decide again, I wouldn't choose to sign with a facilitator, mainly because of the money.  That being said, I do believe she is ethical and I've seen her successfully place babies with other families whom I know IRL. 

There is still the chance she could work out for us.

For those readers researching adoption professionals, only you know what feels right for you.  There are good and bad among agencies, attorneys, and facilitators.  For example, as I mentioned in my previous post, we worked with a "licensed, not-for-profit" agency in Oklahoma during our match.  Because I felt that she was so unprofessional in her manner, I would not choose to work with that agency again (maybe...but only if she had a stork drop to limit our contact with her awfulness). 

Questions?  Email me at waiting_and_waiting at ymail.com  







 

Working with a consultant

For lack of really anything to write about this week (other than snow), I thought that I would write a couple of posts about our experiences so far working with our choices of adoption professionals.   

To give a little backstory, we first signed with a facilitator in January 2008 and then, in June 2009, added an adop.tion consultant to the mix.  In this post, I'll be talking about the consultant's part in our quest to adopt.  


Having already been in the adoption process for over a year, ad.option consultants were something new to me.  It was through blogging that I had found others who had used consultants with success.  From what I learned initially, the idea made sense to me.  This was compounded by the fact that I was antsy.  Consultants have multiple and various agency and attorney contacts.  As a client of the consultant, we would have access to situations through those agencies and attorneys with whom they work.  During my research, I found that some consultants strongly encourage that you to apply with a certain number of agencies.  This usually means that you would pay those agency application fees which are typically $250-1,000, on top of the consultant fee.  I knew that this would not go over well with Hubbs...or our savings account.  We had already invested money upfront with a facilitator.  Basically, paying money upfront to one adoption entity (facilitator) meant that any other adoption networking, whether it be with an agency, another facilitator, or attorney, was financially limited for us.   

But I continued to do my research, particularly on consultants, because we needed all of the networking we could get and how they worked was appealing to me.  Consultants seemed to offer more bang for our buck.  I chatted online with others who had worked with consultants, got references, and directly spoke with a number of consultants.

In late June 2009, Hubbs and I bit the bullet and signed with a consultant group based in CO.  We agreed on this one because their clients do not pay any application fees to agencies to have profiles shown and we weren't required to sign with any agencies.  We completed the application and sent the one-time fee (about a quarter of what we had paid our facilitator).  The president/owner of the group called me during the 4th of July weekend after she received the application and fee.  We were going to be assigned to one of the several consultants she had in various parts of the country.  Since we live on the East coast, we were assigned to one in the same time zone.  She has been wonderful.  I feel like we have an advocate working just for us.   When a situation comes through that fits our criteria, she emails me a copy of the intake and we make the decision whether or not to throw our hat into the ring, so to speak. 

We threw our hat in once and lo and behold....we were matched in late August 2009.  Our consultant was the one to tell us the good news.  We then became clients of the agency the expectant mom was working with.  While we were matched, our consultant called me every one or two weeks to check in with me.  I was so glad we had her in our corner, because quite frankly, the agency person was wretched.  The consultant often acted as the go-between because it was not fun to talk directly with the agency.  Our consultant was the one who called me when we were in Oklahoma to tell me that the birth mom had changed her mind.  I continue to talk and/or email with her at least once a week.

This brings me to my recent project....completing an agency application.  This agency is one of their newer contacts.  We don't have to pay any agency or application fees, unless we are matched through them.  But we do have to fill out this neverending application form so that they will keep our profile on file.  

Edited to add:  If you have questions, please feel free to email me at waiting_and_waiting at ymail.com.  I know that some may not return to read comments if I answer that way. 

Next up:  working with a facilitator  

The winner of the children's book giveaway is...

True Random Number Generator

Result:

10

10th comment:  Kelly

Congrats Kelly!  Just email me at waiting_and_waiting at ymail.com to provide me with your mailing address.  (It may be a little delayed in getting out because of our snowstorm though.) 

Thanks to everyone for reading and commenting!  I'll have another book giveaway soon.

Before and after...and a children's book giveaway

The nursery is pretty much done.  There are some minor things left to do, such as putting stuff on the walls (I already have some wall hangings but since we thought that we were bringing home a girl, they may be too girly for a baby boy), buying some type of window treatment, and getting the dresser/changing table in there.  For now, we won't be doing much until there is a baby home with us. 

I've realized that we keep the nursery door open most of the time.  It doesn't evoke any sad feelings for me.   Truth be told, it's the most aesthetically pleasing room in the house right now.  (That fact in itself should make me sad.)  I have often found myself sitting in the recliner if I've been on the phone for a while or I'll just walk in, look around, and get comfort from the fact that our home is physically prepared for a little one.  I've seen Hubbs walk in there himself, probably admiring his handiwork.  It really has come a long way from when we started working on it in September, shortly after we were matched.  

Before...

After.  For now. 

My favorite part of the room are the built-in bookshelves, which Hubbs put in a former closet.  I'm trying to build a library for our future little one, so I've collected a few books. 

Ginormous air conditioner at the top of what appeared to be a girls' closet (?). 

Children's books on top.  Baby care books on bottom.  I'm waiting on a third shelf under these. 

I mention the bookshelves as the segue to...a book giveaway!  A friend of mine IRL, Michelle, is an adoptive mom and provided me with this book recommendation.  She and her husband adopted a beautiful little girl from China two years ago.  Michelle and I became acquainted through an online infertility board and soon learned that we were going to the same infertility specialist (obviously we've been friends for quite a while!).  We first met for dinner and still get together for lunch or dinner at least a couple of times a year.  I so look forward to our get togethers.  She has been and continues to be so supportive of our adoption journey.  It was an honor for me to follow the long journey that led her to her daughter and finally made her a mom.  She and her husband are now on the road to adopting their second child from Taiwan and I'm very excited for them! 

Back to the giveaway, which is the book that Michelle and her daughter highly recommend.  It's called

Little Miss. Spider by Da.vid Kirk.  

Here is the a.mazon.com link to the book.  The artwork is really beautiful with its vivid colors.  I love it!  Thanks for the recommendation, Michelle!   

Just post a comment to enter.  I'll use one of those random number thingamajigs to determine the winner and I'll announce the new owner of this book in a future post later this week. 

       

Waiting for the snow and other randomness

Our region is expecting well over a foot of snow this weekend.  I did my panic-shopping for all food staples (read:  yummy snacks and carbohydrate-loaded comfort food) yesterday evening.  Guessing from the scene at the grocery store, my entire county had the same thoughts.  I can't remember the last time I bought a block of V.elveeta cheese, but it seemed like a necessity at the time.

Mind you, we don't live in the middle of nowhere.  I expect the roads to be clear by Sunday.   
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I was on the shuttle bus coming from work yesterday and I heard a woman talking about her granddaughter.  She said that she would be a month old on the 9th.  If all had gone according to plan with us, "our (theoretical) child" would have been a month old on the 7th.  I didn't even think about it until I heard that lady say that.  Time has really flown by.  It's been one month since we traveled to another state, anticipating our life to change in just a couple of days.  Well, we all know how that turned out.   
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I now have 3 pregnant co-workers.  The most recently pregnant one told me the other day and I'm really happy for her.  She had experienced a miscarriage late last year and while we were matched, I was hoping that she would get pregnant soon so that there would be four of us expecting.  It would be fun to see management go completely nuts.  All three are pretty good friends of mine at work.   I'm back on the sidelines where I'm most accustomed to being.

I gave one of my expectant co-workers a recommendation on a portable crib.  She had been looking for the bassinet part of their current pack 'n play since their move to a new home, but she worried about space constraints in their bedroom.  So, I suggested a particular brand portable crib, explained my reasons for wanting it, then showed her the one that I had researched online and the website where I found it cheaper than BRU.  She told me the next day that she's buying it. 

I found it quite funny that I was giving baby gear advice to a mother expecting her second baby.  While I'm still not a member of the "club", it made me feel like I knew what I was talking about.  Ahhh...it's the little things these days that keep me going.   
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I'm planning my first giveaway and I think that I'll do it tomorrow.  Check back to enter!