Randomness in late March

Is it really the end of March?  Where is the year going?  It's a crisp, sunny day here in the East but the temps could be more spring-like.  I am looking forward to the spring actually getting here. 

Has anyone seen that new show, P.arenthood?  I've watched the episodes On D.emand and now I'm really liking it.  Not M.odern Family kind of liking, but it seems pretty good.  I kind of have this thing for Peter K.rause which goes back to his Six Feet Un.der days.  **It's not lost on me that I've mentioned 3 television shows in four sentences, which demonstrates how much of a TV head I truly am.   I could have easily added 4 more titles in that blurb without breaking a sweat.  Pathetic.  Surprisingly, I am not pasty white and I am able to socialize appropriately (I think) with other humans.   

I'm still working out!  After we got back from Jamaica, I wrote about the (over) consumption of empty calories at the all-inclusive resort.  (In this economy, I had to get my  money's worth, right?)  I jump started my fitness regimen there and it's still going....two weeks later.  That's pretty darn good for me. 

Hubbs and I are registered for a r.ain barrel workshop!  Yipee!  WTF is a ra.in barrel, you ask?  Well, I'm not really sure...that's why we're going to the workshop.  What I do know is that the idea is to collect rainwater to use for watering plants and flowers, washing the car, etc.   Our county is providing the container and a  lecture on its use for a nominal fee.  I went to a similar type of workshop through the county before I started composting a couple of years ago.  We got a large compost bin for $5 (the same one retails for about $100) and I just had to sit through a 2 hour lecture.  It's not so easy being green sometimes.    

Back to reality

We are back and refreshed from our Jamaican getaway.  We did pretty much the same thing every day that we were there....ate too much, drank more than usual, and relaxed on the beach.  It was like Groundhog Day in Jamaica.  The resort staff were so nice, food was surprisingly very good, the weather was great, and the resort itself was fabulous. 

To counteract the amount of calories I was consuming, I did manage a couple of workouts in the resort gym.  I'm at my highest weight ever(!), so I'm going to need to put some real work in before summer.  I saw a picture that Hubbs took of me....wowzers.  I'm not feeling good at all about how I'm looking these days.  Wish me luck with my weight-loss/fitness goals.  I'm going to need it.   

I'll be busy catching up with my bloggy friends and doing a lot of reading in the next few days! 

I got another award, I'm going on vacation, and other fun stuff

We will soon be in Montego Bay, sipping on some watered-down frozen drinks and lounging in the sun.  Has anyone ever been to Ja.maica?  From some, I've heard that we should definitely go off the resort to check out the beauty of the island, while others have wondered if I had a death wish for even considering it.  There seems to be no middle ground on this.  Hmmmm....
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I opened an email today to find that someone (I think her name is Christine. Doesn't matter.) had issue with my use of the word "breeder" in a previous post of mine and then she told me that she gave me an award on her blog!  Awesome!  I thought that was a bit weird, so I went to investigate this chick's strange message.   

Until I realized....uh-oh.  I pissed someone off. 

I forget what the name of her award is, but it's something like "The worst blog ever" or "I hope you drop dead and go to hell"....you get the idea.  So, as part of the award recognition, Christine cut and pasted a text byte of one of my posts (because I'm guessing she has writer's block and needs fodder to get people riled up about something).  Then of course, like-minded people as her apparently were offended by the word "breeders" as I found when I received 3 other emails with comments directed right at my gut.  Geez Louise, ladies.  Get a sense of humor.  It's all tongue and cheek.  In fact, some of my best friends are breeders. (I swear!) 

One of the beauties of having your own blog is that you don't have to listen to shit you don't want to.  I don't want to post a blog link (not that I have one anyway because I deleted it) or even repeat what was written to me because it's all, quite frankly, stupid.  Why continue the vicious cycle?  I mean, the whole thing is silly and stupid....my use of the word "breeder" to mean someone who has or is becoming a mom the old-fashioned way and the fact that they got all up in my face about it.  I did get a good chuckle at the thought of after reading the text byte on Christine's blog, women all over America (total of 4 so far, I think) started typing furiously at their keyboards, lips upturned in a snarl, and mumbling under their collective breath, "If this beyotch thinks that she's going to get away with calling me a breeder, then she's got another thing coming!"  THAT is funny stuff.  You know what they say....any publicity is good publicity.  So, if I start getting more traffic and get the attention of other waiting moms-to-be or moms who came to be through adoption, then that's great.  Ummm...as long as they're nice.   Now that I think about it, if I had read that vitriol several years back when I myself was an aspiring breeder...well, I would be curled up sobbing away and/or drowning my sorrows in a bag of C.ool Ranch D.oritos.  Their nastiness missed me by about 3.5 years. 

You know the thing that really hurt?  The thing that cut to the core?  It's difficult for me to even type this....
They didn't think I was funny.

I do have to thank Christine (or whatever her name is) for pointing out that some people may not share the same sense of humor.  I sincerely apologize to any of my regular readers and/or bloggy friends who may have taken offense to my use of the word "breeders".  I didn't even think of the word as derogatory because, well heck, I used to want to be one!  I'm going to have to blame it on my mood and the word kind of fit into how I was feeling that day.  So, I won't use "that word" again, mostly because now I'm sick of it after using it so many freaking times in this post.
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I always think that I'm so angry and bitter.  But I realize that many people are also angry and bitter about someone, something, or a group of people, maybe even a bit more than me.  And then they have to project that anger and bitterness onto someone, something, or a group of people.   After reading a few of the mean emails, I'm realizing that I'm not as angry and bitter as I thought.  Also, I realize that some people in this world are in need of a hug. 
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P.S.  Before I leave for va-ca, I'm going to disable comments on my blog to avoid the bombardment of emails filled with hatred for me and everything I stand for.  Although, I'm really a nice person.  Really! 
   

Jamaican me crazy!

I feel like my last few posts have been about me being down in the dumps.  It's been a rough couple of weeks.  One of the breeders in my office was in my ear today "complaining" about all of the things that she can't eat and she was having a mini-meltdown because she had a half a glass of wine and then she read online that pregnant women should not consume ANY alcohol so that freaked her out and "I'm so glad I'm not doing this again" and....on and on.  Enough already!  I calmly told her to be thankful.  That kind of cut her off and I felt a little bad (just a little) because as her friend, she should be able to vent to me.  Sure, there are many worries and (temporary) restrictions that come with being pregnant.  But as her infertile friend, she should cut me some slack, no?  Vent to all the other breeders around us.  Sheesh.

Anyway, I hope to be in a better mood soon.  Maybe a change of scenery and some margaritas will help, even if it's just for a few days.

Serenity now.   

Different (or delayed?) reactions to the same outcome

In another episode of "My Life" (also a very high-rated, primetime sitcom airing exclusively in my head), I was in the narrow hallway at work, when I happened to walk upon a conversation which, little did I know, would 30 seconds later involve a pregnancy announcement.  I couldn't avoid it...the threesome was right in front of my door.  So, of course, I stopped and joined the little circle.  I had already heard the announcement directly from this person, but it was obviously news to the other two women.  She kind of told them off-handedly, such as "...and we need to schedule that patient for next week and oh, by the way, I'm pregnant" or something similar.  The two women, upon hearing this news, just about lost their shit, complete with hands cupped over their mouths, mini jumps in the air, and high-pitched "Oh my god!" exclamations amidst the excited squeals.

Let's rewind about 2 months when I told each of these female co-workers separately about our adoption, a week before I was leaving for what I thought would be an extended period.  From each, I received a reserved, "Oh!"  "Really?".  As if I just said that I watched a really good movie last night or that I bought my shoes on sale.  I tried not to take it to heart.  They might have said some niceties.  I don't really remember.  One did graciously offer to allow me to take her eight year old child off her hands.  "You can take [her child's name]", she said.  Wasn't that nice of her?   My tongue is almost healed from the self-inflicted bite wound.  I should probably add that I get along really well with everyone in my office, lest you think I'm the office pariah. 

Fast forward back to the hallway conversation/pregnancy announcement.  I have to admit, I got a bit upset.   Not outwardly, of course.  In the whole scheme of things, how people (who are not family or close friends) react or don't react to our news is not everything to me.  I just want that same excitement too.   Every expectant mom does, right?  I guess that it is more of an observation on my part of the general public's perception of adoption compared to pregnancy. 

I have already realized that we might not always get the reaction that we would if we had been able to announce a pregnancy.   During our match, I felt that less-than-ebullient response to our news a few times, from co-workers (mentioned above), acquaintances, friends, and family members alike.  Mostly though, it was what I had hoped for...our own excitement and happiness matched by the reaction to our announcement.  We have an overwhelming amount of support and lots of people hoping all the best for us.  However from what I've seen, and I'll just be completely honest here--a pregnancy announcement always trumps an adoption announcement among those in the non-adoption world.  I know that we would have received different reactions from family and friends if we were expecting the old-fashioned way.  And if hell froze over and we were to get pregnant AFTER adopting?  I picture that the enthusiasm might be on the level of "I know this is what you REALLY wanted!".  I know it and I get it.  That's the way it is.  While the majority of people in our life may be overjoyed for us that we're pursuing adoption to build our family, it's still very different to some.  Maybe it seems less exciting in comparison, less tangible, the cause of some fear for our emotional well-being, or apprehension, as in "Who are they bringing into this family?". 

Instead of it being a different reaction, maybe I should give the benefit of the doubt and think that it will be a delayed reaction.  With pregnancy, the excitement and joy is right there from the get-go.  There's a baby on the way, due on or around this date and everyone wonders who he or she will look like....mom's side or dad's.  There is a visibly growing belly, ultrasound pictures, a baby shower to plan or attend.  There's lots of hub bub from the pregnancy announcement to the birth and afterwards. 

With adoption, specifically domestic, there's no telling when there will be a baby.  For many adoptive parents, there isn't any pregnancy news to share from the expectant mom and if there is, they may not want to share it with family and friends.  There is always the consideration that a match might not end in placement of the child.  There is a lot of legal stuff, which is never fun.  The only belly protrusion going on is the result of overeating related to nervousness or depression during the wait to be matched or placed, and not a growing fetus.  And what the heck will the baby look like?

I have to keep in mind that to the person not previously touched in some way by adoption, it may not be viewed as very real or as special....but hopefully that changes after we finally have our child in our arms and our life as a family unfolds.

My ticker turned over

There is a doggie and star ticker all the way at the bottom of my blog.  It was one of the first things that adorned this space when I started blogging.  It reports how long we've been waiting to adopt.  Well, I just learned that the ticker stops keeping track after 1 year, 11 months, 3 weeks, and six days.  

Today, March 5, 2010, marks 2 years that we've been home study ready.  Today, the ticker turned over and now reads, "We applied for adoption today!".  Argh.  Goodbye, adoption ticker! 

Our homestudy update visit with our social worker is on Monday.

A conversation we've had more than once...an excerpt (adapted)

Hubbs:  Why are you in such a bad mood lately?

Me:  What do you mean?

Hubbs:  Ever since we heard that Tony and Tina* are going to have a baby, you've been in a bad mood.

Me:  I'm happy for them...

Hubbs:  No, you're not. 

Me:  I don't understand how after ten years, you don't understand that it's painful.  And I'm offended that you think that I'm such a bitch.  Oh yeah, as if I hate all of the kids in our life.  Is that what you see?  I'm happy for them, but can't help but feel sad for us.   

Hubbs:  How do you think I feel?

Me:  I don't know, because you never express anything.  You know what really upset me?  When after we got home, you said, "So I guess you're bummed out now?".  And then you went to watch TV.  I feel like I'm all alone in this.  It would be nice to have a little acknowledgement that it hurts at times, more times than others. 

Hubbs:  I knew that as soon as I heard the words come out of his mouth, you would be depressed.  I knew it. 

Me:  This is no different than any of the other times.  Oh, but maybe it is.  Two months ago we were supposed to have a baby and it fell through and now we're back to square one.       

Hubbs:  I don't want to live our life like this.  It seems like we're always sad about something.  You would think that it gets easier over time, but it just gets harder.  I was sad for us too.   

Me:   I know.  And I wish that I could control how I feel.  I really do, but I can't.  It's nothing personal against Tony and Tina*.  It's a painful reminder.  I'll get over it.  I always do.   

Hubbs:  Do you think you would have taken the news better if our adoption worked out?   

Me:  Probably. 

Hubbs:  I think the big difference between us is that I try not to think about it and it's all you think about. 

Me:  You have a point.

Hubbs:  I'm sorry.

Me:  I'm sorry too. 

Hubbs:  What's on TV tonight?

Me:  The O.ffice....it's a one hour special.

Hubbs:  Oh yeah? Why is it on for an hour?

Me:  Because J.im and P.am are having their baby. 

**We laughed.

Me:  See?  Even fake couples have babies before we do. 

**We laughed again.

Things that make me smile

I was feeling kind of doodoo-ish this morning...feeling down in the dumps, hopeless about this adoption process, and alone.  The pregnancy announcement this weekend didn't help matters, but I know how it goes.  I tend to mope around for a while and then I snap out of it eventually...the bad news is that the snapping out part usually doesn't fully occur until the baby is born.  I love the baby part.  It's the pregnancies that I don't do so well with.      

Received an email from my SIL....our 6 yr old niece in CA wanted us to have something to hang on our fridge.   I opened the attachment and received the highlight of my day:) 

The race is on

Unfortunately for my Jamaica-bound and not-so-toned body, this will not be a blog entry about actual effort, exercise, or athletic competition.  The race to which I am referring is the one in my head.   I guess I should explain.  Back when we had been at the TTC (trying to conceive) game for a while, back when we were of the "appropriate" age for those things and it seemed that everyone we knew was getting pregnant for the first time or yet again, I frequently had thoughts of, "Oh, I have to get pregnant before she does." or "I'm wondering if they're trying yet." or "She can't have another baby before we have our first."   Every married couple of child-bearing age was fair game for my "race" challenge....again, this is all in my mind.  I wanted the next pregnancy announcement to come from us.  As each person I had in my sights got pregnant, it was just another race that had me left behind.  In comparison, my fertility, even with the technology and performance-enhancing drugs, was out matched, again and again.     

I find that even in the adoption process, I continue with my competitiveness.  It is a fact that with domestic adoption it can really happen at any time.  We could get a call in the next hour, tomorrow, or next week.  The call could be about a baby already born or one that is due in a few months.  However, the other sobering and sucky truth is that it could be another year before we get a match.   We have absolutely no control about when we might get THE call.  But still I "race" competitively with these totally unsuspecting and innocent fertile women.  I know what you're thinking.  This chick is cuckoo for cocoa puffs and/or a head examination is long overdue. 

My current "competitors" are at work.  I have three pregnant co-workers/friends and they're breathing down my neck.  I was truly in contention when we were in match mode....chatting it up with the other expectant moms about crib recalls, baby names, and the advantages of one formula brand over another.  I was going to have a baby before them all!  I was finally going to win!  Then I had a fall just before the finish and just like that...I was out.  Two are due early summer, and one is due late summer.  Just today, our environmental services guy said to me, "Don't drink the water!"  Snort, snort, chuckle, chuckle.  "You might catch what's going around!".  I looked up from my computer and told him flatly, "I have immunity".   He looked at me strangely and then pushed his trash cart away.  Oh, how I would love to be in the mix of upcoming babies.  There's still time.  Thoughts come into my mind that I very well could have a baby before all of them.  Or not.   

We recently heard news about yet another family pregnancy.  It really is so exciting and I'm happy for them.  It's great news for our family.  I will confess that a couple of tears fell later, but as always, I believe that they were brought on by the reminder that it didn't happen that way for us and we have a much different and longer journey.  I don't think that I'm so much envious of the pregnancy, as I am of the apparent ease in which it happens for most...the way we thought it was going to happen for us.  It stings to hear about a pregnancy and have that reminder of what we lost and of what we're still waiting for.  I don't want to be on the outside looking in anymore.  I want this journey to be over.  I'm just so. very. tired.  

No rest for the weary though!  They're not due until the fall.  My mind is lacing up the racing shoes. 
Bring it on.