Moving ahead

Hubbs and I finally got it together...we're staying with the match.

Thanks to all for your support and advice via blog post and email!

Going around and around

I'm dizzy.  And mentally drained.  These last few days have been spent doing a lot of thinking and introspection...thinking about my fears and insecurities, about expectations, and how we see ourselves as a family.  Hubbs and I have had a couple of talks about the situation.  After really thinking about what I want and feeling ready to open my heart to this baby, I'm learning that he isn't quite ready to say the same.  For him, it comes down to the veracity of B and the apparent inability of the agency to get accurate information at the start.  Other than that....well, he can't seem to get past that.  We have not had direct contact with the agency and have not yet signed a contract or paid anything other than the application fee.  Our c.onsultant has been the go between.  She tells me that they work with this agency often, have a good working relationship, and have had many successful placements with them.  I have a lot of trust in our c.onsultant.  She adopted domestically less than a year ago as a client of this same consultant group and I feel like she has been nothing but upfront, non-judgemental, and responsive. 

This seems to be a common statement on my blog, but hubbs has been very busy with work.  OK, I can understand that.  But he told me that he hasn't had a chance to think about it much....wtf?  After work, he's been usually working on the "nursery".  That alone doesn't have him thinking about it??  It's amazing to me that he's able to stuff all of his feelings down into the deep recesses of his brain. 

I was discouraged to hear that hubbs isn't able to get past how we learned of the information....and I realize that he hasn't given himself a chance to process everything.  I reminded him that this process is about taking a leap of faith.  There are no guarantees and no crystal ball.   No polygraphs either.  I can't have us being in limbo for much longer.  We're in this together, so if he's not on board, I can't be either.           

Mixed emotions

I tried to call B again on Sunday and I had to leave another message.  I kept it short and sweet and invited her to call me whenever, if she wanted to.  She only has free weekend minutes, so I don't expect a call back soon, if at all.   

On Tuesday, I got a call from our con.sultant.  She talked with B's agency.  The agency director saw B in her office that day.  According to her, everything is still good.  She's still on board with us.  However....

Our consulta.nt passed onto us some information that she learned from the agency director.  Without getting into any details, this new information was a bit of a curveball.  Truthfully, it may affect our desire to continue the match.  We still have to process a lot of the information.  We don't want to continue just for the fact that we've waited so long and, quite frankly, we're feeling desperate, just as much as we don't want to pull out of the match for the "wrong" reasons.  Since I'm giving no details, I'm sure that I make no sense.  I'm confused myself and there are a lot of things going on in my head right now.

It's one of those things where you wish someone would just tell you what to do...and then you realize you're a grown up and you have to actually make a decision.    

Contact via voicemail

Last time I spoke to B, we agreed on being in contact again on Saturday night.  Every time I thought about calling her today, I got a twinge of nervousness in my gut.  I've been practicing in my head what I would say and what I shouldn't say.  I haven't felt this way since my dating days.  I called...and got voicemail.  I left a message.  All I can say is that I sounded awkward.  There was even an uncomfortable silence during my already bumbling message.  Ugh.  

I'll try again tomorrow. 

First contact

Our c.onsultant emailed me today with B's phone number.   I decided to give her a call after work.  We didn't have a set time for this first call and I was told that we can call her "whenever".  Hubbs sat at the kitchen table with me, staring at me while I was chatting with B.  Our conversation was a bit awkward initially, which is what I expected, but overall, I think it went well.  Basically, I told her that we just wanted to let her know that we are thinking of her, hope that she is doing well, and are excited and happy that she chose us.  That was my main objective for this phone call.  We talked some about her due date, what she wants to happen at the hospital, and did a little more small talk.  After about ten minutes, she asked me to call her back on the weekend when she has free minutes. 

She thought we knew this already...it's a girl! 

It's feeling more real.

Day 10 of "the room" makeover

Nope.  Still not ready to call "that room" the nursery.  So far, it's been an utter debacle that has included gallons of spackle, primer, latex paint, and finally, oil-based paint.  To recap, we scraped off the wallpaper, 2 layers of it, over a week ago.  What was left was a green, the color of hospital scrubs, on the walls, which I assumed was paint.  Hubbs thought he would spackle where need be and then we could primer and paint.  He spackled and sanded, spackled and sanded.  Primer, then a gallon of paint.  OK, fine.

Then, we had 80+% humidity on Saturday and along with the water-based primer and paint, some fierce bubbling was going on.  Hubbs confirmed that the green "paint" was actually wallpaper.  Not that I would have thought any different at the time.  We realized too late (duh!) that we should have used oil-based over the wallpaper.  Wallpaper-removal rookie mistake.  Back to H.ome D.epot we went and the room received a gallon of oil-based primer.  The smell from the oil-based was, in a word, overpowering.  To resolve this, hubby just painted one coat of the latex paint tonight, which seemed to work well.   
 

Through the toxic fumes over the weekend, I got the bright idea that this is what we're going to do throughout the rest of the house, which is about 95% wallpaper.  I think I'm done with scraping.

No contact information for the emom yet.  Still waiting to talk with her.     

Sept 5th

Sept 14th

An e-mail can do so much

Work continues around the house.  I'm trying to remain calm, cool, and collected....but I do get the occasional butterflies when I think about the baby who will hopefully be in our arms soon.

I talked with our c.onsultant last night for our weekly check-in.  At that time, she didn't have much news to give from the agency.  She is always encouraging and calming to me.  She was in my shoes not very long ago and it gives me hope hearing her child's adoption story.     

Hubby worked late, so I watched a movie last night, which I rarely get to do.  "He's J.ust Not. That In.to You".  I've only had it from Netfl.ix for 3 months.  It wasn't worth holding onto it for that long. 

This morning, I received an email from our c.onsultant that she sent not long after we spoke:

 Hi E

I left you a long rather rambling message. The upshot is that I just spoke with [adoption agency director]. She did receive your application and she is processing that. I inquired about a time line for receiving the contract and she was unable to give a date but stated that she was working on it. She did say that she would send me B's contact info so that you can go ahead and call her. She reminded me that B has placed a child with her agency before and that she is familiar with the process. She also indicated that B is looking forward to contact with you now and throughout the pregnancy. [Agency director] would also like for you to begin making sure that you have all of the required documentation. I will double check the list and your home study but I am almost certain that you already have everything that is required. There is no need to mail those things now but it's probably a good idea to check the list. I will let you know as soon as I get contact info. I hope this helps to know that everything is moving along.

M

Hubby and I read it together.  We haven't heard much since the call almost 2 weeks ago.  It goes without saying that we both had big smiles on our faces.  We're keeping our fingers crossed, not letting our guard down entirely, but jumping in with our whole hearts (advice from a good friend.  Thanks Col;))  What a tightrope it is to walk between the protecting and leaping forward....I'm gonna need a net. 

I think we're going to tell our parents tomorrow.  And maybe we'll get to talk with emom this weekend:)

Icebreakers, questions, be prepared, and avoid these like the plague

Last night, hubby and I had our 'birthparent consultation'.  We were provided the opportunity to speak with a staff member of our consultant group, who also happens to be a birthparent.  L regularly counsels adoptive parents-to-be prior to contact with a birthparent.  We were so glad to speak with someone who has experienced adoption from the other perspective.  L became a birth mom about 20 years ago and was recently reunited with her daughter.      

Needless to say, I was taking notes like a madwoman.  We thought that L gave a lot of good information.  Overall, it was a pretty valuable experience.  She suggested taking notes during our conversation(s) with emom, then journaling in a baby book.  Love that idea! 

I mentioned this consultation in an earlier post and a few people asked that I post the tips afterwards. I aim to please, so here are some tidbits.   

Some things to remember in general:
~ Be optimistic, supportive, and excited!  BUT also balance that with the knowledge that emom is experiencing a loss. 
~ Use positive adoption language, remember that during this time, this is "her baby" not "our baby", no judgements, sympathize with her about this difficult decision

Icebreaker ideas:
~ Ask how she's feeling. 
~ What are her interests or hobbies? 
~ If emom is parenting a child or children, ask about them.   How is this pregnancy different than her last or other pregnancies? 

Questions for emom:
~ Why did she decide to choose us? 
~ What do you want your child to know about you? 
~ How does her family feel about adoption plan?   Who is her support system?
~ If the child asks why you chose adoption, what do you want us to tell him or her? 
~ In what ways does she think the adoption will change her?  Or if she has placed a child before, how was  
her previous adoption experience? 
~ What kind of future contact do want with him or her? 
~ Ask about her plans for the hospital.
~ What kind of communication does she want during the pregnancy?

Be prepared for these possible questions:
~ How was our relationship with our own families?
~ What kind of parents do we think we will be?
~ How do we plan to discipline?
~ How were we disciplined as kids?
~ How and when will we tell him or her about adoption?
~ How will we handle questions about his/her birth family?

Avoid:
~ Discussion of adoption logistics (i.e. financial)
~ If birth father is not in the picture, don't bring him up first.  Let her take the lead on that topic.   

Of course, this list of suggestions should not be read verbatim as if firing off questions.  We'll see how the conversation unfolds and go from there.  She recommended that we have the list in front of us in case there are lulls in the conversation.   

We're hoping that we are able to talk with her soon.  We're still in the midst of doing administrative stuff with the agency. 

No, it's not the inside of a Turkish prison...it's the nursery

I read the latest post from Denver Jen and I started to get nursery envy.  The nursery for their soon-to-be bambino is simply beautiful.  I thought I would share some pictures of our "nursery".  The quotes will remain whenever I mention this room until it no longer resembles a room where hostages are kept. 

Our recent match has apparently lit a flame under someone's butt around here.  We moved into our 70+ year old house in December.  The previous owners were an elderly couple who had lived here since the 1950's.  Much of the work looks DIY and the craftsmanship leaves much to be desired.  It is very obvious, yet understandable because of the previous owners' advanced ages, that the last updates to the house were done in the late 70's-early 80's.   We knew that going in.  Every room has to be gutted/updated.

Hubby started a new job in May, which has him very stressed busy, so the demolition/construction that started on the first floor pretty much came to a standstill at around the same time.  It's not going to get easier.  He works for a pr.o footb.all team.  With the footb.all season officially starting soon, he will not have much time to do any work around here.  On top of that, his parents will soon be moving and they need some odd jobs done around their place to get it ready to be put on the market. 

This weekend, he got to work tearing down the wood paneling in the soon-to-be "nursery".  Underneath said paneling were 2 layers of dried-out and yellowed wallpaper, circa 1951(?).  If I were a wallpaper anthropologist, that would be my guess.  I do know that this was the bedroom of their 2 daughters and the 1st layer had ballerinas on it.  It was kind of cute, in a [very] shabby chic way. 

We scraped all of the wallpaper off...did I mention 2 layers?....and pulled out a million nails on Saturday afternoon.  It was a mess.  The walls are plaster and bowing out significantly in one area.  Rather than tear the plaster out and drywall the entire room, hubby is going to try to salvage the walls that he can.  Don't you love the blood red carpet?  When I vacuum it, the clear cannister turns the same color!  Oy vey.   We looked under the carpet.  There is another carpet, in zebra print(?), and underneath that, seemingly very lovely dark hardwoods.            

We were going to go away for a 4-day weekend starting on Friday.  We decided instead to put the money towards the house.  We'll be spending our 4 days off working around here and hopefully getting some things done.  

 

Yesterday, he skim coated the walls.  I did some painting on the first floor.  Hubby had to go into work today...he's a un.ion carpen.ter and is working on Labor Day.  I think that's sacrilegious or something. 

He should be laboring here, don't 'cha think? 

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I'm overwhelmed and so grateful for all of the good wishes being sent our way.  Thanks so much for the supportive words!  It means a lot to me.  It's still a shock, but right now, we're basking in the glow of being matched.  Finally, a baby for us.  Hopefully. 

We are hoping to speak with the expectant mom (emom) soon.  But first, we have to "apply" to become clients of the agency emom is with, which entails filling out the 16 page application and paying the application fee.  A formality really, but I feel like we're doing our homestudy again.  I'm mailing our application tomorrow.  Our consultant thinks that maybe in a week or so, we'll have contact. 

Our consultant group has a first mom on staff who does a one-hour phone consultation on the do's and don'ts of talking with the emom, so we're going to take advantage of that.  I set that up for the day after Labor Day. 

We decided to tell our siblings (my sister and BIL, his sister and BIL, and his brother and SIL), but swore them to secrecy.  They were all so excited for us.  We'll wait to tell our parents until at least after our first phone contact with emom.  Then, maybe it will feel more real to us.