Icebreakers, questions, be prepared, and avoid these like the plague

Last night, hubby and I had our 'birthparent consultation'.  We were provided the opportunity to speak with a staff member of our consultant group, who also happens to be a birthparent.  L regularly counsels adoptive parents-to-be prior to contact with a birthparent.  We were so glad to speak with someone who has experienced adoption from the other perspective.  L became a birth mom about 20 years ago and was recently reunited with her daughter.      

Needless to say, I was taking notes like a madwoman.  We thought that L gave a lot of good information.  Overall, it was a pretty valuable experience.  She suggested taking notes during our conversation(s) with emom, then journaling in a baby book.  Love that idea! 

I mentioned this consultation in an earlier post and a few people asked that I post the tips afterwards. I aim to please, so here are some tidbits.   

Some things to remember in general:
~ Be optimistic, supportive, and excited!  BUT also balance that with the knowledge that emom is experiencing a loss. 
~ Use positive adoption language, remember that during this time, this is "her baby" not "our baby", no judgements, sympathize with her about this difficult decision

Icebreaker ideas:
~ Ask how she's feeling. 
~ What are her interests or hobbies? 
~ If emom is parenting a child or children, ask about them.   How is this pregnancy different than her last or other pregnancies? 

Questions for emom:
~ Why did she decide to choose us? 
~ What do you want your child to know about you? 
~ How does her family feel about adoption plan?   Who is her support system?
~ If the child asks why you chose adoption, what do you want us to tell him or her? 
~ In what ways does she think the adoption will change her?  Or if she has placed a child before, how was  
her previous adoption experience? 
~ What kind of future contact do want with him or her? 
~ Ask about her plans for the hospital.
~ What kind of communication does she want during the pregnancy?

Be prepared for these possible questions:
~ How was our relationship with our own families?
~ What kind of parents do we think we will be?
~ How do we plan to discipline?
~ How were we disciplined as kids?
~ How and when will we tell him or her about adoption?
~ How will we handle questions about his/her birth family?

Avoid:
~ Discussion of adoption logistics (i.e. financial)
~ If birth father is not in the picture, don't bring him up first.  Let her take the lead on that topic.   

Of course, this list of suggestions should not be read verbatim as if firing off questions.  We'll see how the conversation unfolds and go from there.  She recommended that we have the list in front of us in case there are lulls in the conversation.   

We're hoping that we are able to talk with her soon.  We're still in the midst of doing administrative stuff with the agency.