Randomness at the end of 2010

Thanks to all who have posted so far for the Lil' LJ onesie giveaway!  I'm going to extend the deadline for the giveaway for about another week to give more people an opportunity to enter the drawing.  See my previous post for more details.  To be included in the drawing, please post your comment under that blog entry.  Thank you!   
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Hope you all had a wonderful holiday!  We had such a special day with Grace.  Just like most babies her age, she loved the wrapping paper and boxes more than any of the actual gifts.  She just wanted to spend her time pushing an empty amazon.com box around the living room floor.  I'm sure she wondered what the brouhaha was all about.  She was a pure joy for us and the entire family.  

Grace's E.T. impersonation with the assistance of Elmo   

         

   She can't tolerate bright flash photography, but she will always flash a smile for the camera! 
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In case you didn't catch it, an older blog post of mine was published in Adoptive Families magazine this year.  This is how it appeared in the magazine.  I saw today that it was one of the "top ten most popular articles" of the magazine this year.  So....maybe there were only TEN original articles written for the magazine this year or maybe my article was included in the list because they needed a "filler".  Nevertheless, having it published was a personal thrill for me and I was happy and honored to share it with waiting parents-to-be.  I've been thinking about writing a follow-up post here because the happiness for us and support that we received when we finally brought Grace home surpassed anything we ever expected! 
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Happy New Year and thanks for reading!

Wishing a very special and happy 2011 to all of you who are still waiting for your dream come true.  I was where you were last year.  What a difference a year (or less) makes.    

I really am back and a giveaway

So, the U.S. House voted to extend tax cuts and unemployment benefits.  Good news for many, but would it be too much to ask for them to also add 6 more hours onto a day?  I mean....there really are not enough hours in the day.  This mom thing is WAY harder than I thought.  And before I had a child, I knew that it would be difficult.  I'm not really speaking of the child care, although that can be physically taxing and I'm getting used to running on 5-6 hours of sleep.  It's the juggling of EVERYTHING and feeling guilty if EVERYTHING doesn't get done or the way that I would like things to get done.  I wonder if I would feel this way if I were younger.  Probably so.  Bitch, moan, bitch, moan (not necessarily in that order and it's typically silently directed at my unknowing husband). 

Then, I see this and I think 2 things: 

1)  I'm so grateful.

 2)  It's all worth it. 

My adorable sister-in-law and her adorable family sent us an equally adorable onesie soon after we brought her home and it was oh-so-appropriate: 

Grace wore it for the picture on the adoption announcement we mailed out to friends and family.  My SIL purchased it from Lil' LJ and they have the cutest stuff, especially appropriate for a baby who is finally in your arms after any kind of wait.  They can personalize most (all?) of their products, but obviously for this giveaway it would be hard to do that.    

The giveaway is a short-sleeve onesie, size 6-12 months with the saying, "I'm a dream come true."  Click on the Lil' LJ link above to see it and to check out all of their other items.  I tell Grace all the time that she's my dream come true.   

Just post a comment and become a follower of my blog, if you're not already, and you'll be entered in the random drawing:)  Sorry, but because there are only 24 hours in a day, I have to be non-committal and say that the drawing will be after Christmas, I think, but probably before the new year.  The winner will likely be announced soon after.      

Long time, no blogging

I doubt that anyone is even checking this....but just in case, I thought I would try to get back in the swing of things with blogging.  I really do miss it and all of my bloggy friends out there.  I think about it almost every day, while juggling working full-time outside of the home, (and while I'm at it, working full-time in the home), figuring out which solid foods to add to an almost-10 month old's diet, and enjoying every moment I can with our little one.  Where did the time go?  Grace has been home with us for close to 8 months...and it's going too fast sometimes.  She's growing and changing every day.   I look at the picture on my blog header and realize how very different she looks now in such a short amount of time and how much more she is doing these days.  *sigh*   New motherhood has been fantastic.  And frustrating.  And overwhelming.  Did I also mention that it's wonderful? 

Giveaway coming soon....

 

Need comments on photos

We had a photo session with a local photographer and she sent us this slideshow.  She will be taking it off of her blog on September 24th.  We were presented with the challenge of getting as many comments on her blog about the slideshow, so it would be great if my followers could help out!  If we reach 25 comments, we can get free set of wallets, 50 comments for a free 8x10, and 100 comments can get us a set of brag books. 

Here is the link  http://www.buphotography.com/blog/?page_id=2879  You can comment right on her blog under the slideshow. 

Thanks in advance for your help! 

April 28th

Part four

When we arrived at the airport, I called the agency SW and we made plans to meet her and baby girl the next morning.  We were so nervous!  I unpacked our things in the hotel room and hit the hay early.  The next morning, we had breakfast in the hotel.  I was very aware that it could be the last time that it was just me and Hubbs.  Butterflies!  The SW called after we ate and she gave us instructions to her house. 

Ten minutes later, she called back to tell us that, by the way, the court hearing for temporary legal custody would be at 2pm.  It was about 10:30am.  We were both dressed casually, so we quickly changed into clothes that would make a We-Are-Super-Worthy-To-Be-Parents statement, rather than, I-Love-A-Good-Backyard-Barbeque one.  It was while we were changing that Hubbs announced that he forgot black socks and asked if he should just wear his white tube socks with his black pants and shoes.  Oy.  About 20 minutes later, we were at Target purchasing dress socks.  He was killing me.  And then we got lost.  Finally, we made it to the house....12 noon.

The SW met us outside and led us into her living room.  Perched on top of the coffee table was an infant carrier with a baby girl peering out at us with big beautiful eyes.  She was ten weeks old.  I was the first to hold her and it felt foreign to me.  I couldn't believe what was happening at that moment.  Hubbs sat next to me on the couch and SW snapped a few pics.  Baby girl was simply beautiful.  In my head, I was still questioning if this was actually going to happen.  We met SW's husband, who also happened to be the agency attorney.  He was all business (major plus in our book) and gave us the itinerary for that afternoon.  It was also decided in that time that we would stay in their home, rather than staying in the hotel.  We had been invited prior to arriving as this was what many of their clients did, but we felt kind of weird about being houseguests in a complete stranger's home.  But they were so gracious and practically insisted and there was plenty of room in their spacious and gorgeous home.  Plus, it would save us on the hotel costs.   So, we raced back to the hotel to pack up all of our stuff that I had unpacked twelve hours earlier and we checked out.  Upon arriving back to the house, the attorney informed us that we had to go.  We were handed the baby in the carrier and her diaper bag and we were to follow the attorney to the courthouse about 25 minutes away.  We weren't expecting to take the baby with us in our car(!).  One important lesson we learned....assume nothing.  While the attorney waited in his idling car and the SW suddenly MIA, Hubbs and I had simultaneous mini-panic attacks as we rushed to figure out how to safely secure the carrier in the backseat of the rental car.  To add to this, we were dealing with 40 mph wind gusts.  This was Kansas, after all.  If Hubbs had duct tape, I think he would have used it.  At one point in those few minutes, he yelled for me to find the owner's manual of the car, as if that was going to have a tutorial on how to properly install a car seat.   Finally, after what seemed like way too long for normal people, we pulled ourselves together and secured the carrier with the seatbelt.  An 'A-ha!' moment, to be sure.  We had no idea what we were doing.  Were they really going to give us this baby?  Holy cow. 

We followed the attorney and made it on time.  Inside the courthouse, the attorney briefed us again on what would happen and what we would be asked by the judge.  He met with the judge first in his quarters and then we were brought in.  After about 10 minutes, we had legal temporary custody of baby girl.  She slept the entire time, totally unaware that her life, just like ours, was about to change forever.

Our first trip as a family? The drive-thru of Arby's.  It was there in the parking lot, munching on curly fries, that we called our families to give them the news.  We were in Kansas and had custody of a baby girl.                

April 24th

Part three of our adoption story

The last few days had been a blur after getting that phone call late the previous Sunday night. We had been busy making funeral arrangements...and of course I couldn't help but think about the birth mother we had been matched with. My parents already knew about the match, but I told my sister and younger brother.  I wasn't sure what would happen. But I knew that I wanted to be with my family.  We were so devastated, shocked, and saddened.  I couldn't see leaving them before the funeral.  And I already told myslf that even if she did have the baby before the due date, Hubbs and I weren't leaving before the services for my brother. 

During that week before the funeral, I contacted our consultant to tell her what had happened. She immediately told me that she would be in contact with the agency and if/when the birthmother gave birth before her due date of April 24, they would see if we could do cradle care until we could get there.  Either way, I wouldn't hear from them until after the funeral.  She also told me that the agency hadn't heard from the birth mother.  Not encouraging news, but I was mentally and emotionally drained by that point.  Whatever happened in regards to the match was out of my control. 

Saturday, April 24th was the day after my brother's funeral.  I got in contact with our consultant and received the news that birth mother gave birth to a little girl on Friday.  And....she decided to parent.

But in the same call, we learned that the same agency received placement of a 2-month old, healthy girl, also on Friday.  Her birth mother had already signed TPR (termination of parental rights), which was irrevocable in that state.  There was an issue of paternity and we wanted to speak with the agency attorney about the legal risk.  The consultant sent us a picture....could this be the little one meant to be ours?  She was adorable.

We got on the horn with the attorney who gave us all of the details about the risk involved.  He told us to sleep on it and get back to him the next day.  Needless to say, Hubbs and I didn't need too much time.  We were nervous about the risk, but when isn't there risk with adoption?  On the other hand, there was a lot to consider.  I think much of the nervousness stemmed from going through the failed match in January. 

On Sunday, we called the attorney back and told him that we were in.  We spent the day getting documents notarized, faxing stuff to the attorney, and talking about when we should travel.  It wasn't until Monday that we and the attorney decided that we should leave on Tuesday, even though the birth father issue had not been entirely resolved.  It was a frantic night, packing and purchasing plane tickets.  Just a few people in our family knew that we were leaving. 

On Tuesday morning, Hubbs and I each went into work and told our workplaces that we were taking time off to travel out of state for an adoption.  We were at the airport on Tuesday afternoon.

Thoughts of my brother were not far from my mind.

April 18th

Part two of our adoption story...

It was now almost 3 weeks since we were matched and emom was due on April 24th.  However, after many assurances by the agency that emom was "still on board", all we heard were crickets.  We were receiving no updates about doctor appointments that I was told she was going to and the SW didn't seem to be able to nail down a time that we would do that conference call with emom. 

I was trying to remain calm and think positively.  I reasoned with myself that she just didn't want to speak with us and that was okay.  It wasn't necessarily a sign that she was having second thoughts.  I know that I can't even begin to imagine how she was feeling about her adoption plan.

With less than a week to go until the due date, I was really starting to "nest", cleaning and organizing like crazy.  I bought a paper shredder to finally get rid of a wastebasket full of documents.  Looking back, that's really all I remember doing that day....sitting in the kitchen shredding paper. 

It was Sunday and that night I couldn't really get to sleep.  I was thinking about the million things I still needed and wanted to do before baby came....and then the phone rang. 

It was just past midnight and the caller ID said that it was my parents' house.  It was my younger brother on the other end.   I remember a shiver going through me before he even told me why he was calling.  What was up?  What's wrong?  That's the thing about those late night calls.  I quickly thought that he was going to tell me something happened to our mom or dad.  Instead, he was calling to tell me that our brother, the oldest of four, had passed away that night. 

   

March 30th

I'm going to write about our adoption story in phases with dates being the titles of the posts related to our journey to Grace.  This is a quick part one of the story.... 

It had been almost 3 months since our failed match where we traveled to Oklahoma, then learned 12 hrs later that emom changed her mind and decided prior to the birth that she would parent.  

After hearing about several situations over the next several weeks, we decided to submit our profile to a new agency through our consultant for an expectant mom due in late April with a baby girl. A few days later, on March 30th, we learned that she chose us. There were some things about the situation that made us pause. But we were matched again. It was not going to be a long match, like the one in OK.  That was a huge plus to us.  After the failed match, I did not want an extended wait to the due date.   

We opted not to tell family, friends, or our workplaces about the match this time. I didn't even announce it here on my blog. It felt very different matching the second time around. The excitement was G-O-N-E. Hubbs and I didn't speak about the match much at all and protecting our hearts became the first (and pretty much only) priority.

At the time of the match, it was three weeks until the due date. A small part of my brain was thinking that this might actually happen this time.  But I wasn't going to let my guard down. 

Back from the hiatus

So sorry about the long break from blogging.  I hated to be an "adopt and run" type of adoption blogger and didn't intend to leave regular readers of my blog high and dry.  Over the next few posts, I'll take some time to tell our adoption story. 

Most importantly, I'd like to introduce our daughter, Grace.  She has been home with us since May 1st and the adoption was finalized about a week ago.  She is now 5 months old and such a happy, smiley baby.  We can't imagine life without her.

**Photo removed**

Finally...

I'm a mom.     

We flew out of state and took placement of a 2-month old baby girl on April 28th and came home on May 1st.  She is absolutely beautiful and a total joy.  Hubbs and I are over the moon!   

I realize that I haven't posted in a while, but these past few weeks have been quite a crazy, emotional time for me and my family.  There's a lot more to the story of course, but for now...I'm going to enjoy my little girl.   

Catching up on lots of reading

I'm still around!  I've seriously neglected my blog writing lately, as well as reading.  As for the writing, I just haven't had much to write about lately.  (I think I used a very similar line in my last post).  As for the reading, I've spent some of my Saturday night doing just that...reading the latest posts of my favorite blogs.  Whew!  So, I thought that I might as well write a brief post to show that I'm still here.  Just lazy laying low these days. 

I see that I now have 102 followers.  Wow.  I have been thinking about the next giveaway.  That should be coming fairly soon.  Stay tuned....

Nothing much

I feel like I'm posting just for the sake of posting.  There isn't too much going on that I want to report right now on the adoption front. 

We're having some absolutely beautiful weather here in the Northeast.  We finally made it out of our long, horrendous winter.     

I am continuing on my fitness kick (two weeks now, thank you very much!) and have lost almost 3 lbs. in that time.  What is my goal?  I don't know if I want to have one...I think that I should just keep going and hopefully by my 39th birthday (gulp!) in a few months, I will still be going strong with working out and getting down to a weight that is more acceptable to me. 

I currently have 97 followers.  I would like to do another giveaway when I reach 100 (hint, hint lurkers) or when I reach my 2 year blogoversary in July.  I have a few ideas for a cool giveaway! 

Randomness in late March

Is it really the end of March?  Where is the year going?  It's a crisp, sunny day here in the East but the temps could be more spring-like.  I am looking forward to the spring actually getting here. 

Has anyone seen that new show, P.arenthood?  I've watched the episodes On D.emand and now I'm really liking it.  Not M.odern Family kind of liking, but it seems pretty good.  I kind of have this thing for Peter K.rause which goes back to his Six Feet Un.der days.  **It's not lost on me that I've mentioned 3 television shows in four sentences, which demonstrates how much of a TV head I truly am.   I could have easily added 4 more titles in that blurb without breaking a sweat.  Pathetic.  Surprisingly, I am not pasty white and I am able to socialize appropriately (I think) with other humans.   

I'm still working out!  After we got back from Jamaica, I wrote about the (over) consumption of empty calories at the all-inclusive resort.  (In this economy, I had to get my  money's worth, right?)  I jump started my fitness regimen there and it's still going....two weeks later.  That's pretty darn good for me. 

Hubbs and I are registered for a r.ain barrel workshop!  Yipee!  WTF is a ra.in barrel, you ask?  Well, I'm not really sure...that's why we're going to the workshop.  What I do know is that the idea is to collect rainwater to use for watering plants and flowers, washing the car, etc.   Our county is providing the container and a  lecture on its use for a nominal fee.  I went to a similar type of workshop through the county before I started composting a couple of years ago.  We got a large compost bin for $5 (the same one retails for about $100) and I just had to sit through a 2 hour lecture.  It's not so easy being green sometimes.    

Back to reality

We are back and refreshed from our Jamaican getaway.  We did pretty much the same thing every day that we were there....ate too much, drank more than usual, and relaxed on the beach.  It was like Groundhog Day in Jamaica.  The resort staff were so nice, food was surprisingly very good, the weather was great, and the resort itself was fabulous. 

To counteract the amount of calories I was consuming, I did manage a couple of workouts in the resort gym.  I'm at my highest weight ever(!), so I'm going to need to put some real work in before summer.  I saw a picture that Hubbs took of me....wowzers.  I'm not feeling good at all about how I'm looking these days.  Wish me luck with my weight-loss/fitness goals.  I'm going to need it.   

I'll be busy catching up with my bloggy friends and doing a lot of reading in the next few days! 

I got another award, I'm going on vacation, and other fun stuff

We will soon be in Montego Bay, sipping on some watered-down frozen drinks and lounging in the sun.  Has anyone ever been to Ja.maica?  From some, I've heard that we should definitely go off the resort to check out the beauty of the island, while others have wondered if I had a death wish for even considering it.  There seems to be no middle ground on this.  Hmmmm....
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I opened an email today to find that someone (I think her name is Christine. Doesn't matter.) had issue with my use of the word "breeder" in a previous post of mine and then she told me that she gave me an award on her blog!  Awesome!  I thought that was a bit weird, so I went to investigate this chick's strange message.   

Until I realized....uh-oh.  I pissed someone off. 

I forget what the name of her award is, but it's something like "The worst blog ever" or "I hope you drop dead and go to hell"....you get the idea.  So, as part of the award recognition, Christine cut and pasted a text byte of one of my posts (because I'm guessing she has writer's block and needs fodder to get people riled up about something).  Then of course, like-minded people as her apparently were offended by the word "breeders" as I found when I received 3 other emails with comments directed right at my gut.  Geez Louise, ladies.  Get a sense of humor.  It's all tongue and cheek.  In fact, some of my best friends are breeders. (I swear!) 

One of the beauties of having your own blog is that you don't have to listen to shit you don't want to.  I don't want to post a blog link (not that I have one anyway because I deleted it) or even repeat what was written to me because it's all, quite frankly, stupid.  Why continue the vicious cycle?  I mean, the whole thing is silly and stupid....my use of the word "breeder" to mean someone who has or is becoming a mom the old-fashioned way and the fact that they got all up in my face about it.  I did get a good chuckle at the thought of after reading the text byte on Christine's blog, women all over America (total of 4 so far, I think) started typing furiously at their keyboards, lips upturned in a snarl, and mumbling under their collective breath, "If this beyotch thinks that she's going to get away with calling me a breeder, then she's got another thing coming!"  THAT is funny stuff.  You know what they say....any publicity is good publicity.  So, if I start getting more traffic and get the attention of other waiting moms-to-be or moms who came to be through adoption, then that's great.  Ummm...as long as they're nice.   Now that I think about it, if I had read that vitriol several years back when I myself was an aspiring breeder...well, I would be curled up sobbing away and/or drowning my sorrows in a bag of C.ool Ranch D.oritos.  Their nastiness missed me by about 3.5 years. 

You know the thing that really hurt?  The thing that cut to the core?  It's difficult for me to even type this....
They didn't think I was funny.

I do have to thank Christine (or whatever her name is) for pointing out that some people may not share the same sense of humor.  I sincerely apologize to any of my regular readers and/or bloggy friends who may have taken offense to my use of the word "breeders".  I didn't even think of the word as derogatory because, well heck, I used to want to be one!  I'm going to have to blame it on my mood and the word kind of fit into how I was feeling that day.  So, I won't use "that word" again, mostly because now I'm sick of it after using it so many freaking times in this post.
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I always think that I'm so angry and bitter.  But I realize that many people are also angry and bitter about someone, something, or a group of people, maybe even a bit more than me.  And then they have to project that anger and bitterness onto someone, something, or a group of people.   After reading a few of the mean emails, I'm realizing that I'm not as angry and bitter as I thought.  Also, I realize that some people in this world are in need of a hug. 
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P.S.  Before I leave for va-ca, I'm going to disable comments on my blog to avoid the bombardment of emails filled with hatred for me and everything I stand for.  Although, I'm really a nice person.  Really! 
   

Jamaican me crazy!

I feel like my last few posts have been about me being down in the dumps.  It's been a rough couple of weeks.  One of the breeders in my office was in my ear today "complaining" about all of the things that she can't eat and she was having a mini-meltdown because she had a half a glass of wine and then she read online that pregnant women should not consume ANY alcohol so that freaked her out and "I'm so glad I'm not doing this again" and....on and on.  Enough already!  I calmly told her to be thankful.  That kind of cut her off and I felt a little bad (just a little) because as her friend, she should be able to vent to me.  Sure, there are many worries and (temporary) restrictions that come with being pregnant.  But as her infertile friend, she should cut me some slack, no?  Vent to all the other breeders around us.  Sheesh.

Anyway, I hope to be in a better mood soon.  Maybe a change of scenery and some margaritas will help, even if it's just for a few days.

Serenity now.   

Different (or delayed?) reactions to the same outcome

In another episode of "My Life" (also a very high-rated, primetime sitcom airing exclusively in my head), I was in the narrow hallway at work, when I happened to walk upon a conversation which, little did I know, would 30 seconds later involve a pregnancy announcement.  I couldn't avoid it...the threesome was right in front of my door.  So, of course, I stopped and joined the little circle.  I had already heard the announcement directly from this person, but it was obviously news to the other two women.  She kind of told them off-handedly, such as "...and we need to schedule that patient for next week and oh, by the way, I'm pregnant" or something similar.  The two women, upon hearing this news, just about lost their shit, complete with hands cupped over their mouths, mini jumps in the air, and high-pitched "Oh my god!" exclamations amidst the excited squeals.

Let's rewind about 2 months when I told each of these female co-workers separately about our adoption, a week before I was leaving for what I thought would be an extended period.  From each, I received a reserved, "Oh!"  "Really?".  As if I just said that I watched a really good movie last night or that I bought my shoes on sale.  I tried not to take it to heart.  They might have said some niceties.  I don't really remember.  One did graciously offer to allow me to take her eight year old child off her hands.  "You can take [her child's name]", she said.  Wasn't that nice of her?   My tongue is almost healed from the self-inflicted bite wound.  I should probably add that I get along really well with everyone in my office, lest you think I'm the office pariah. 

Fast forward back to the hallway conversation/pregnancy announcement.  I have to admit, I got a bit upset.   Not outwardly, of course.  In the whole scheme of things, how people (who are not family or close friends) react or don't react to our news is not everything to me.  I just want that same excitement too.   Every expectant mom does, right?  I guess that it is more of an observation on my part of the general public's perception of adoption compared to pregnancy. 

I have already realized that we might not always get the reaction that we would if we had been able to announce a pregnancy.   During our match, I felt that less-than-ebullient response to our news a few times, from co-workers (mentioned above), acquaintances, friends, and family members alike.  Mostly though, it was what I had hoped for...our own excitement and happiness matched by the reaction to our announcement.  We have an overwhelming amount of support and lots of people hoping all the best for us.  However from what I've seen, and I'll just be completely honest here--a pregnancy announcement always trumps an adoption announcement among those in the non-adoption world.  I know that we would have received different reactions from family and friends if we were expecting the old-fashioned way.  And if hell froze over and we were to get pregnant AFTER adopting?  I picture that the enthusiasm might be on the level of "I know this is what you REALLY wanted!".  I know it and I get it.  That's the way it is.  While the majority of people in our life may be overjoyed for us that we're pursuing adoption to build our family, it's still very different to some.  Maybe it seems less exciting in comparison, less tangible, the cause of some fear for our emotional well-being, or apprehension, as in "Who are they bringing into this family?". 

Instead of it being a different reaction, maybe I should give the benefit of the doubt and think that it will be a delayed reaction.  With pregnancy, the excitement and joy is right there from the get-go.  There's a baby on the way, due on or around this date and everyone wonders who he or she will look like....mom's side or dad's.  There is a visibly growing belly, ultrasound pictures, a baby shower to plan or attend.  There's lots of hub bub from the pregnancy announcement to the birth and afterwards. 

With adoption, specifically domestic, there's no telling when there will be a baby.  For many adoptive parents, there isn't any pregnancy news to share from the expectant mom and if there is, they may not want to share it with family and friends.  There is always the consideration that a match might not end in placement of the child.  There is a lot of legal stuff, which is never fun.  The only belly protrusion going on is the result of overeating related to nervousness or depression during the wait to be matched or placed, and not a growing fetus.  And what the heck will the baby look like?

I have to keep in mind that to the person not previously touched in some way by adoption, it may not be viewed as very real or as special....but hopefully that changes after we finally have our child in our arms and our life as a family unfolds.

My ticker turned over

There is a doggie and star ticker all the way at the bottom of my blog.  It was one of the first things that adorned this space when I started blogging.  It reports how long we've been waiting to adopt.  Well, I just learned that the ticker stops keeping track after 1 year, 11 months, 3 weeks, and six days.  

Today, March 5, 2010, marks 2 years that we've been home study ready.  Today, the ticker turned over and now reads, "We applied for adoption today!".  Argh.  Goodbye, adoption ticker! 

Our homestudy update visit with our social worker is on Monday.

A conversation we've had more than once...an excerpt (adapted)

Hubbs:  Why are you in such a bad mood lately?

Me:  What do you mean?

Hubbs:  Ever since we heard that Tony and Tina* are going to have a baby, you've been in a bad mood.

Me:  I'm happy for them...

Hubbs:  No, you're not. 

Me:  I don't understand how after ten years, you don't understand that it's painful.  And I'm offended that you think that I'm such a bitch.  Oh yeah, as if I hate all of the kids in our life.  Is that what you see?  I'm happy for them, but can't help but feel sad for us.   

Hubbs:  How do you think I feel?

Me:  I don't know, because you never express anything.  You know what really upset me?  When after we got home, you said, "So I guess you're bummed out now?".  And then you went to watch TV.  I feel like I'm all alone in this.  It would be nice to have a little acknowledgement that it hurts at times, more times than others. 

Hubbs:  I knew that as soon as I heard the words come out of his mouth, you would be depressed.  I knew it. 

Me:  This is no different than any of the other times.  Oh, but maybe it is.  Two months ago we were supposed to have a baby and it fell through and now we're back to square one.       

Hubbs:  I don't want to live our life like this.  It seems like we're always sad about something.  You would think that it gets easier over time, but it just gets harder.  I was sad for us too.   

Me:   I know.  And I wish that I could control how I feel.  I really do, but I can't.  It's nothing personal against Tony and Tina*.  It's a painful reminder.  I'll get over it.  I always do.   

Hubbs:  Do you think you would have taken the news better if our adoption worked out?   

Me:  Probably. 

Hubbs:  I think the big difference between us is that I try not to think about it and it's all you think about. 

Me:  You have a point.

Hubbs:  I'm sorry.

Me:  I'm sorry too. 

Hubbs:  What's on TV tonight?

Me:  The O.ffice....it's a one hour special.

Hubbs:  Oh yeah? Why is it on for an hour?

Me:  Because J.im and P.am are having their baby. 

**We laughed.

Me:  See?  Even fake couples have babies before we do. 

**We laughed again.

Things that make me smile

I was feeling kind of doodoo-ish this morning...feeling down in the dumps, hopeless about this adoption process, and alone.  The pregnancy announcement this weekend didn't help matters, but I know how it goes.  I tend to mope around for a while and then I snap out of it eventually...the bad news is that the snapping out part usually doesn't fully occur until the baby is born.  I love the baby part.  It's the pregnancies that I don't do so well with.      

Received an email from my SIL....our 6 yr old niece in CA wanted us to have something to hang on our fridge.   I opened the attachment and received the highlight of my day:) 

The race is on

Unfortunately for my Jamaica-bound and not-so-toned body, this will not be a blog entry about actual effort, exercise, or athletic competition.  The race to which I am referring is the one in my head.   I guess I should explain.  Back when we had been at the TTC (trying to conceive) game for a while, back when we were of the "appropriate" age for those things and it seemed that everyone we knew was getting pregnant for the first time or yet again, I frequently had thoughts of, "Oh, I have to get pregnant before she does." or "I'm wondering if they're trying yet." or "She can't have another baby before we have our first."   Every married couple of child-bearing age was fair game for my "race" challenge....again, this is all in my mind.  I wanted the next pregnancy announcement to come from us.  As each person I had in my sights got pregnant, it was just another race that had me left behind.  In comparison, my fertility, even with the technology and performance-enhancing drugs, was out matched, again and again.     

I find that even in the adoption process, I continue with my competitiveness.  It is a fact that with domestic adoption it can really happen at any time.  We could get a call in the next hour, tomorrow, or next week.  The call could be about a baby already born or one that is due in a few months.  However, the other sobering and sucky truth is that it could be another year before we get a match.   We have absolutely no control about when we might get THE call.  But still I "race" competitively with these totally unsuspecting and innocent fertile women.  I know what you're thinking.  This chick is cuckoo for cocoa puffs and/or a head examination is long overdue. 

My current "competitors" are at work.  I have three pregnant co-workers/friends and they're breathing down my neck.  I was truly in contention when we were in match mode....chatting it up with the other expectant moms about crib recalls, baby names, and the advantages of one formula brand over another.  I was going to have a baby before them all!  I was finally going to win!  Then I had a fall just before the finish and just like that...I was out.  Two are due early summer, and one is due late summer.  Just today, our environmental services guy said to me, "Don't drink the water!"  Snort, snort, chuckle, chuckle.  "You might catch what's going around!".  I looked up from my computer and told him flatly, "I have immunity".   He looked at me strangely and then pushed his trash cart away.  Oh, how I would love to be in the mix of upcoming babies.  There's still time.  Thoughts come into my mind that I very well could have a baby before all of them.  Or not.   

We recently heard news about yet another family pregnancy.  It really is so exciting and I'm happy for them.  It's great news for our family.  I will confess that a couple of tears fell later, but as always, I believe that they were brought on by the reminder that it didn't happen that way for us and we have a much different and longer journey.  I don't think that I'm so much envious of the pregnancy, as I am of the apparent ease in which it happens for most...the way we thought it was going to happen for us.  It stings to hear about a pregnancy and have that reminder of what we lost and of what we're still waiting for.  I don't want to be on the outside looking in anymore.  I want this journey to be over.  I'm just so. very. tired.  

No rest for the weary though!  They're not due until the fall.  My mind is lacing up the racing shoes. 
Bring it on. 

Awards season

The Oscars?  Nah.  Emmys?  Yawn.  Golden Globes?  So 2009.

Bloggy awards?  Now, we're talking!  And I got me some!   Much, much better than the above.  As Sally Field once said, "You like me...you really, really like me!".  No red carpet though.  We in the bloggy community really must work on that.  At least I don't have to worry about what I'm going to wear.  Well, OK, if you must absolutely know who I'm wearing, it's vintage (1995?) Old Navy lounging pants and tee shirt with an undeterminable stain on the front and this season's Dearfoam black velvet slippers.  The bed did my hair. 

I have a number of people to thank for this Beautiful Blogger Award.  Melba, Jen, and Wendy....it's been a pleasure and an honor reading your journeys from when you were waiting parents to when you became new moms.  Jodi is someone I've been following for some time and she is just starting her adoption journey.  It's so exciting to read.  Geochick is a relatively new one I've been following and she's in the trenches right along with me during the wait.  She's funny and you should check her blog out if you aren't reading it already. 

Right back at you, ladies!

Here are the rules if you are a recipient:

1. Thank the person who gave you the award.

2. Post this award to 15 other bloggers that you like to follow.

3. Leave them a message on their blog so they know they received the award.

4. Post 7 things about yourself.

Who to choose?  I have seen that many of my fave blogs have already received this award.  These are some other deserving bloggers! 

Sissy - waiting, domestic adoption
Kelly - waiting, international adoption (Ethiopia)
Col - mom, domestic adoption
Dee - mom, domestic adoption and foster/adopt
Richele - mom, domestic adoption
Jill - mom, international  (China) and domestic adoption

Random things about me:
1.  Going to Jamaica in a few weeks.  We've never been there before. 
2.  I signed up for a graduate school open house in April.    
3.  I'm addicted to watching The Office (US) lately.  6:30pm on one channel and then 7:30 on another channel.  I get pissed if I miss it.  Mind you, they're all reruns.  I also just received Season 5 - Part 1 from N.etflix too.   
4.  I really enjoy making Hubbs laugh--hard.  He can be a tough egg to crack, so it's always fun. 
5.  We have 3 nieces and 2 nephews, ranging in age from 12 years (going on 26) to almost 5 months.
6.  I often check a local dog rescue website, specifically for their senior dogs available for adoption.
7.  I still have a picture of our embryos from one of our IVFs.  I can't see ever throwing it away, although it was painful when I came across it in a drawer.

It's that time of the year again

It's time for us to update our homestudy again.  The yearly exercise in jumping through hoops is upon us.  It's just too damn depressing.  Just a few months ago, when we thought that this adoption thing might actually work out, I had been very pleased by the thought that we wouldn't have to update again.  We were going to be off the hook until we went for adoption #2 and I looked forward to doing only the post-placement visits with the social worker.   However, since the match went kaput, here we are at homestudy update NUMBER 2. 

In our state, we're required to have criminal and child abuse clearances, fingerprint FBI checks, physicals, a financial information update, and a social worker visit to our home each year to update the home study.  While I understand why we, as prospective adoptive parents, have to endure this 'hazing by paperwork', it still ticks me off.  If Hubbs' sperm swam straight and my uterus wasn't apparently lined with Teflon, we wouldn't have to prove that we are not wanted in the 50 U.S. states and its territories, do not have any diagnosed mental afflictions (...yet, but this process is pushing me dangerously to the edge), that we are not raising livestock in our living room, and that we do in fact have indoor plumbing. 

Oh, the freedoms that come with being fertile!  Man, it sure must be nice.   Maybe I would like to have a goat grazing in the dining room without anyone being able to say boo about it (I do enjoy a nice chevre).  But NOOOOOO!  We have to have useless reproductive systems, or at least ones that aren't in sync.  Stupid unexplained infertility. 

Furthermore, while our homestudy social worker seems like a lovely and conscientious person, how do we know that SHE has working smoke alarms in her home?  Maybe she wipes her kitchen counters down with a dirty sponge.  For all I know, she has 8 cats and 1 neglected litter box.  What are her housekeeping standards?  Hey, has anyone seen the inside of her house?  I'm just saying.

Not fair!  Not fair!  Not fair!  (Picture me jumping up and down and holding my breath).       

OK, so there's my annual rant about the home study update process.  All we can hope for is that we don't need to do this a third time.  As you can tell by my tirade, a third homestudy update AND still no baby would be very bad. 

Speaking of which, I can't help but wonder how many more times we would want to update our homestudy if we're in the same childless, matchless situation at this same time next year.   Most of the time, I am hopeful and realize that it could happen at any time....

And here comes the 'what if?'....but what if it doesn't happen? 

With IVF treatments, there was an emotional, financial, and physical breaking point and they all came together to signal that it was time for us to call it quits.   Does it happen that way with adoption?   Will we have a breaking point, just as we did with infertility treatment?   I wonder.   

Has this ever crossed the mind of anyone who has been waiting or did wait for a long while?  And I'm not talking months, although I know that seems like a long time when you're in the midst of it.  I'm talking about when you're close to or over the two year mark of being in the process.  Like us. 

Maybe I'm the only one who has been waiting this long.  It sure feels that way.  Does anyone else hear tiny violins?  That song always makes me cry.       

The winner of the book giveaway

True Random Number Generator

Result:

13

The 13th eligible comment came from Maru....today is her very lucky day!  Not only did she win the book, but she mentioned that today was Finalization day for the adoption of her daughter!  Congratulations!! 

Maru, please email me at waiting_and_waiting at ymail.com to provide me with your address and I'll get the book right out to you.   

This is what Oprah must feel like

It's another children's book giveaway and it's my absolute favorite!  That's why I say that this is what Oprah must feel like, especially during her famous "My Favorites" episode each year....*ahem*... minus a gajillion dollars. 

Tell Me A.gain Abo.ut the Night I Was Bo.rn, written by Ja.mie Lee Cu.rtis and illustrated by  L.aura C.ornell, was the first children's book (or any item) about adoption that I found and bought a few years ago, long before we officially started our journey.  I love the premise of the book.  It's the story of a little girl who asks her parents to tell her (again) about the night they became a family.  It's a story she obviously knows by heart.         

To enter the random drawing for this book giveaway, I ask that you comment about the very first adoption or baby-related item you bought.  Yes, you'll have to work for this giveaway.  But I trust that it will conjure up only happy and hopeful memories. 

The deadline to enter is Friday, 2/19, 6pm EST

Thanks for reading and good luck!   

Our experience working with a facilitator, thus far

In my last post, I wrote about working with a consultant.  This post is about the start of our journey when we decided to go with a facilitator, based in CA.     

The choice to work with an ad.option facil.itator came after attending a few adoption agency information seminars in our area.  One, in particular, is the "big guns" when it comes to adoption agencies in our area.  This agency is probably the largest, most well-known, and reputable by all reports.  However, after the seminar, we didn't have such a warm and fuzzy feeling.  As I looked at the list of costs and fees, it seemed very expensive.  Also, as we sat in the seminar, we both also felt that we would be just a number.  One couple among many.  Of course, the agency's priority is to the expectant moms, which is how it should be.  But what about the adoptive parents?   We just weren't feeling it.

We attended another agency's information session in a neighboring state.  The agency director was a big goober.  Hubbs and I couldn't wait to get out of there.  This agency was later shut down and is out of business.  So far, based on what we had seen, a traditional agency wasn't feeling right for us.

I can't exactly remember what led us to a facilitator.  I know that from the beginning, we weren't really into adopting within our own state because of its relatively long amount of time bparents have to sign TPR (30 days where we are).  We were definitely open to adopting out of state and finalizing in one that had a much shorter period to TPR.   I remember connecting with someone on an adoption board who lived in my immediate area and we met in person.  She and her husband had signed with this facilitator, but ended up finding a bmom situation on their own locally.  The match was successful and they had put their profile on hold with the facilitator.  Eventually, they did adopt their second child through this facilitator.

I scoured the internet via adoption boards and the Better Business Bureau looking for any information on this facilitator.  What I really wanted to find was the "dirt".  I couldn't find anything.   I spoke with her and got a good feeling from her.  She was outgoing and friendly, she gave me hope, but I also feel that she was realistic.  I tend to be very skeptical and I didn't feel like she was selling me a bill of goods. 
Now, working with a facilitator, you have to break the rules that you read or hear when you're entering the world of domestic adoption:

Rule #1:  Never, ever pay a large amount of money upfront to an adoption professional
Rule #2:  Facilitators are illegal, unlicensed, and in general, a scam. 

OK, so we broke Rule #1.  But, as I looked at the agency adoption fees vs. the facilitator fee + homestudy + legal fees, the facilitator made more sense at the time.  We had our homestudy done on our own with an independent home study agency/social worker for MUCH cheaper than what the local agencies were charging for a home study.  We were able to shop around for services, instead of having all of the prices dictated to us.  We liked that part. 

It's not for everyone though.  There is something to be said for "one-stop shopping" and having everything done by the agency.  It definitely takes more footwork and research to do those things on your own that an agency would typically handle.

Additionally, in hindsight, it is not a great idea to invest that much money to one adoption person at the very start.  When I asked about why we had to pay so much money upfront, she answered that it was for advertising.  OK, made sense...at the time.  We've been in the process for 2 years and because we put a good chunk of money with her, our adoption budget has been limited substantially.  For a long time before we signed with the consultant, we felt very stuck with the facilitator and going nowhere. 

As for Rule #2 that has many prospective adoptive parents running for the hills when they hear the "F" word...in our state, facilitators are not allowed to work within the state.  That does not mean that we are not allowed to work with them.  If/whenever we are placed with a child through the facilitator, we will need to obtain additional help through an agency and/or attorney, depending on the state.

From my viewpoint, to summarize the differe.nce bet.ween faci.litators and con.sultants:  facilitators advertise and interact  directly with expectant moms, while consultants deal only with agencies and attorneys. 

The facilitator had put our profile on hold when we were matched through the consultant.  (The consultant said that we could not put our profile on hold had the facilitator matched us first).  I recently contacted the facilitator to reactivate our profile.  Our 2 year contract should have been up last month, but she is continuing to work with us. 

Another difference with facilitators (ours anyway) is that instead of regular contact, clients are to call in about once a month to see if there has been any activity on the profile.  Our profile goes out based on emom's criteria and ours.  I do like the aspect that we do not know when it goes out.  It is less stressful in that way.  But I would prefer regular contact not always initiated by me, which is what I get from the consultant.  Our profile went out about six times in 16 months....not a good track record at all.  That's probably related to a number of factors, such as our openness to available situations that came to her and the decline in expectant moms who came to her compared to previous  years.

So, that's been our experience with a facilitator up to this point.  Again, working with a facilitator is not for everyone, for sure.  I kind of have a love/hate relationship in my mind with ours.  The truth is, if I had to decide again, I wouldn't choose to sign with a facilitator, mainly because of the money.  That being said, I do believe she is ethical and I've seen her successfully place babies with other families whom I know IRL. 

There is still the chance she could work out for us.

For those readers researching adoption professionals, only you know what feels right for you.  There are good and bad among agencies, attorneys, and facilitators.  For example, as I mentioned in my previous post, we worked with a "licensed, not-for-profit" agency in Oklahoma during our match.  Because I felt that she was so unprofessional in her manner, I would not choose to work with that agency again (maybe...but only if she had a stork drop to limit our contact with her awfulness). 

Questions?  Email me at waiting_and_waiting at ymail.com  







 

Working with a consultant

For lack of really anything to write about this week (other than snow), I thought that I would write a couple of posts about our experiences so far working with our choices of adoption professionals.   

To give a little backstory, we first signed with a facilitator in January 2008 and then, in June 2009, added an adop.tion consultant to the mix.  In this post, I'll be talking about the consultant's part in our quest to adopt.  


Having already been in the adoption process for over a year, ad.option consultants were something new to me.  It was through blogging that I had found others who had used consultants with success.  From what I learned initially, the idea made sense to me.  This was compounded by the fact that I was antsy.  Consultants have multiple and various agency and attorney contacts.  As a client of the consultant, we would have access to situations through those agencies and attorneys with whom they work.  During my research, I found that some consultants strongly encourage that you to apply with a certain number of agencies.  This usually means that you would pay those agency application fees which are typically $250-1,000, on top of the consultant fee.  I knew that this would not go over well with Hubbs...or our savings account.  We had already invested money upfront with a facilitator.  Basically, paying money upfront to one adoption entity (facilitator) meant that any other adoption networking, whether it be with an agency, another facilitator, or attorney, was financially limited for us.   

But I continued to do my research, particularly on consultants, because we needed all of the networking we could get and how they worked was appealing to me.  Consultants seemed to offer more bang for our buck.  I chatted online with others who had worked with consultants, got references, and directly spoke with a number of consultants.

In late June 2009, Hubbs and I bit the bullet and signed with a consultant group based in CO.  We agreed on this one because their clients do not pay any application fees to agencies to have profiles shown and we weren't required to sign with any agencies.  We completed the application and sent the one-time fee (about a quarter of what we had paid our facilitator).  The president/owner of the group called me during the 4th of July weekend after she received the application and fee.  We were going to be assigned to one of the several consultants she had in various parts of the country.  Since we live on the East coast, we were assigned to one in the same time zone.  She has been wonderful.  I feel like we have an advocate working just for us.   When a situation comes through that fits our criteria, she emails me a copy of the intake and we make the decision whether or not to throw our hat into the ring, so to speak. 

We threw our hat in once and lo and behold....we were matched in late August 2009.  Our consultant was the one to tell us the good news.  We then became clients of the agency the expectant mom was working with.  While we were matched, our consultant called me every one or two weeks to check in with me.  I was so glad we had her in our corner, because quite frankly, the agency person was wretched.  The consultant often acted as the go-between because it was not fun to talk directly with the agency.  Our consultant was the one who called me when we were in Oklahoma to tell me that the birth mom had changed her mind.  I continue to talk and/or email with her at least once a week.

This brings me to my recent project....completing an agency application.  This agency is one of their newer contacts.  We don't have to pay any agency or application fees, unless we are matched through them.  But we do have to fill out this neverending application form so that they will keep our profile on file.  

Edited to add:  If you have questions, please feel free to email me at waiting_and_waiting at ymail.com.  I know that some may not return to read comments if I answer that way. 

Next up:  working with a facilitator  

The winner of the children's book giveaway is...

True Random Number Generator

Result:

10

10th comment:  Kelly

Congrats Kelly!  Just email me at waiting_and_waiting at ymail.com to provide me with your mailing address.  (It may be a little delayed in getting out because of our snowstorm though.) 

Thanks to everyone for reading and commenting!  I'll have another book giveaway soon.

Before and after...and a children's book giveaway

The nursery is pretty much done.  There are some minor things left to do, such as putting stuff on the walls (I already have some wall hangings but since we thought that we were bringing home a girl, they may be too girly for a baby boy), buying some type of window treatment, and getting the dresser/changing table in there.  For now, we won't be doing much until there is a baby home with us. 

I've realized that we keep the nursery door open most of the time.  It doesn't evoke any sad feelings for me.   Truth be told, it's the most aesthetically pleasing room in the house right now.  (That fact in itself should make me sad.)  I have often found myself sitting in the recliner if I've been on the phone for a while or I'll just walk in, look around, and get comfort from the fact that our home is physically prepared for a little one.  I've seen Hubbs walk in there himself, probably admiring his handiwork.  It really has come a long way from when we started working on it in September, shortly after we were matched.  

Before...

After.  For now. 

My favorite part of the room are the built-in bookshelves, which Hubbs put in a former closet.  I'm trying to build a library for our future little one, so I've collected a few books. 

Ginormous air conditioner at the top of what appeared to be a girls' closet (?). 

Children's books on top.  Baby care books on bottom.  I'm waiting on a third shelf under these. 

I mention the bookshelves as the segue to...a book giveaway!  A friend of mine IRL, Michelle, is an adoptive mom and provided me with this book recommendation.  She and her husband adopted a beautiful little girl from China two years ago.  Michelle and I became acquainted through an online infertility board and soon learned that we were going to the same infertility specialist (obviously we've been friends for quite a while!).  We first met for dinner and still get together for lunch or dinner at least a couple of times a year.  I so look forward to our get togethers.  She has been and continues to be so supportive of our adoption journey.  It was an honor for me to follow the long journey that led her to her daughter and finally made her a mom.  She and her husband are now on the road to adopting their second child from Taiwan and I'm very excited for them! 

Back to the giveaway, which is the book that Michelle and her daughter highly recommend.  It's called

Little Miss. Spider by Da.vid Kirk.  

Here is the a.mazon.com link to the book.  The artwork is really beautiful with its vivid colors.  I love it!  Thanks for the recommendation, Michelle!   

Just post a comment to enter.  I'll use one of those random number thingamajigs to determine the winner and I'll announce the new owner of this book in a future post later this week. 

       

Waiting for the snow and other randomness

Our region is expecting well over a foot of snow this weekend.  I did my panic-shopping for all food staples (read:  yummy snacks and carbohydrate-loaded comfort food) yesterday evening.  Guessing from the scene at the grocery store, my entire county had the same thoughts.  I can't remember the last time I bought a block of V.elveeta cheese, but it seemed like a necessity at the time.

Mind you, we don't live in the middle of nowhere.  I expect the roads to be clear by Sunday.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was on the shuttle bus coming from work yesterday and I heard a woman talking about her granddaughter.  She said that she would be a month old on the 9th.  If all had gone according to plan with us, "our (theoretical) child" would have been a month old on the 7th.  I didn't even think about it until I heard that lady say that.  Time has really flown by.  It's been one month since we traveled to another state, anticipating our life to change in just a couple of days.  Well, we all know how that turned out.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I now have 3 pregnant co-workers.  The most recently pregnant one told me the other day and I'm really happy for her.  She had experienced a miscarriage late last year and while we were matched, I was hoping that she would get pregnant soon so that there would be four of us expecting.  It would be fun to see management go completely nuts.  All three are pretty good friends of mine at work.   I'm back on the sidelines where I'm most accustomed to being.

I gave one of my expectant co-workers a recommendation on a portable crib.  She had been looking for the bassinet part of their current pack 'n play since their move to a new home, but she worried about space constraints in their bedroom.  So, I suggested a particular brand portable crib, explained my reasons for wanting it, then showed her the one that I had researched online and the website where I found it cheaper than BRU.  She told me the next day that she's buying it. 

I found it quite funny that I was giving baby gear advice to a mother expecting her second baby.  While I'm still not a member of the "club", it made me feel like I knew what I was talking about.  Ahhh...it's the little things these days that keep me going.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm planning my first giveaway and I think that I'll do it tomorrow.  Check back to enter!

The ho-hums

I'm pretty bored today, so this post is just as boring.  I feel like everything I do this past week is kind of aimless.  At least when we were matched, there was something (or rather, someone) we were definitely working for and towards.  Now, I feel just...blah. 

We received two eparent situations in the last month, but we're not going to submit our profile for either.   Through our consultant, we're going to send our profile to an agency in Texas for them to 'keep on file'.  I look forward to each new week because there is always the possibility of a new situation or even a call about a baby already born....but the reality that it may take a while for us to get matched again always creeps into my thoughts.   

I heard news of two pregnancies this week.  In hindsight, it is simply amazing what our match did for me.  It was like a shield that protected me from the stabs of pregnancy announcements..."Oh, you're due in May with your second?  That's so great that you got pregnant when you wanted so that you could take the entire summer off for maternity leave!  Perfect timing!  Good for you!  Have you started thinking about names?"  Ping!  Boing!  That type of news that so easily and quickly deflated me over the years just bounced off when we were anticipating our own little bundle on an actual date.  Now, I'm vulnerable again...without my shield.

I was going to title this post, "The Shield", but it kind of sounds like a birth control device to me. Oh, the irony.          

(Escaping) Reality (via) TV

We decided not to go for the dog.  I know that having another dog in our home is in our future, but I'm not up for it right now.  We had Jake for 13 years and have been without a dog now for just over a year.  I feel that if we're going to do something as big as taking in an animal, we should be 100% into it and ready.  I'm at about 63% right now and that could vary from day to day.  So in the meantime, I'm developing other distractions....such as R.eality TV.  I'm addicted.  I believe that the addiction came to a head this weekend when I was sick and I realized the hold it has on me. 

America's Ne.xt Top Mo.del, Taba.tha's Sal.on Takeover, Cake B.oss, Interve.ntion, F.irst 48...oh my!
And Proj.ect Runway, Tod.dlers & Ti.aras...even that show about the family with the bazillion kids.  That's just a few of the shows that I watch.  They're like watching a train wreck  fascinating to me. 

My friend Dee mentioned this one in her blog....Te.en Mom.  I haven't seen the last episode, so if you're a fan and wish to discuss it freely, you'll have to go to Dee's blog.  I have it on DVR and will hopefully be watching it sometime soon.  I'll probably wait until Hubbs is out so that I can watch it in peace and not have to hear, "Why do you watch this shit?" as he walks by me sitting and staring at our new 46" TV (the one I told him that we didn't need), eyes wide and dry from lack of blinking and jaw slightly agape.  

I used to be more of a movie head and having a subscription to N.etflix made perfect sense.  I don't know why I still have the subscription.  I've now had the same DVD for at least 2 months.  Reali.ty TV shows only take 30-60 minutes to watch and then I can move on. 

That is, unless there is a marathon of the same show. 

     

Dogs

Our neighbor has a friend who made an impulse buy of a puppy.  What a moron.  Apparently now he's too busy and according to our neighbor, he's looking to unload the poor thing.  If he can't give it away to a good home, he's going to take it to the local S.PCA.  Hubbs told me this about thirty minutes ago and has since brought me his laptop to read the article he found online about this puppy's breed. 

Ugh.   

Since our dog passed away over a year ago, I have had pangs of wanting another dog.  I really miss having one in the house.  But then I quickly remember what a huge responsibility it is...we both work full-time...we're working on the house....we talked about rescuing an older dog, not a puppy.  And what if we happen to get "the call"?  Trying to figure out what you're going to do with a dog when you go away is difficult, let alone if that dog is a puppy.

Oh, I feel badly for that helpless pup.  Not bad enough to want to take it in though.  If I said yes, then we would be getting this puppy because Hubbs is interested.  I think Hubbs is being impulsive himself.  I want to tell our neighbor's friend that he's a freaking idiot.   Great...now I'm going to think about it all night. 

  


     

Getting back in the saddle

I can't believe that it's been over 2 weeks since the demise of our match.  I don't really think about it much.  I'm just curious to know if the baby was born.  She was due this past weekend, so I'm guessing probably so. 

I heard from our trusty consultant....we will be chatting tonight so I'm looking forward to that.  She wrote in her email to me that the agency will be sending us an itemized account of emom expenses, so we will know soon how much is left for our adoption budget. 

The consultant also sent us new information on an emom situation.  I'm chalking this up to just wanting to be matched again quickly....but it looks SOOO good on paper.  How can it look so good on paper...and in person, there's always the very good chance that it can fall apart??  Ahhhh....the human element of all of this.       

Hubbs and I will be discussing this later.  The match would be a long one (early summer due date), so I know that our discussion will likely be short and we'll ultimately pass on being considered.  Gives me some hope though....let's not forget hope.  That's all we got.

I also contacted our fa.cilitator about reactivating our profile.  Not holding my breath on that one since we received no action on our profile during the first 18 months of being in the process.  But I'm thankful that she even gives the option to go on hold.
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I'm jealous of my pregnant co-workers/friends.  And not for the obvious reasons, well, not initally anyway.  My workplace is building a new parking garage, so we've all been displaced to off-site parking.  We're now shuttled to and from work, about 5-10 minutes away, which kind of sucks, but whatever.  So, my preggo co-workers (both due in about 5 months and visibly pregnant already) had to sign up for the off-site parking as well.  They each later received a call from the higher-ups stating that they don't have to do the off-site parking...as long as they arrive early enough, they will have a spot...they shouldn't have to ride the shuttle in their "conditions".  The reasonable part of me says that it's only right, it will be uncomfortable for them as it gets closer to their due dates, and that I wouldn't want to ride the shuttle if I were pregnant either. 

The irrational, angry part of me was kicking Reasonable E's ass yesterday though when I heard.  It really irked me, but I know that I was just using the parking thing as an excuse to be pissed...pissed that I'll never get that special 'you're pregnant!' treatment, no acknowledgement that I'm expecting too, just pissed in general. 

Well, what can I say....I'm getting back in the saddle with my anger too.

Back to normal

I needed a change from my previous blog layout...out with the old. 

Hubbs and I are enjoying a long weekend together.  We haven't picked up where we left off with doing projects around the house.  Maybe tomorrow.  I've been wanting to check out the Bo.dy W.orlds exhibition that is in the city.  Hubbs thinks that he may get grossed out by it.  But maybe he'll be interested if it means that he doesn't have to work on the house. 

Otherwise, things are back to normal.  We're thinking about a weekend getaway next week.  We did have a quick getaway just over a week ago, but a trip to the Midwest in 18 degree weather with a kicked-in-the-gut vibe doesn't count. 

Fun while it lasted

"Things happen for a reason."  I've heard that phrase more times than I can count this week.  If I had a nickel....I might be able to put a dent in my hefty student loan.  Is there a reason things happen?  Is there a reason that we can't win for trying time after time?  It goes without saying that it was quite a blow to hear the news that emom changed her mind after four months.  I've taken a few days to think about everything and in hindsight, I can honestly say that good things did happen because of this ill-fated match.  As I write that, I wonder if it still hasn't hit me yet.  I sound almost too chipper considering what happened just one week ago.

But I've come to the conclusion that yes, this match, that ultimately wasn't "the one", brought about some positive changes and discoveries.  For one, it lit a fire under us.  Four months ago, we had a room that held a mish-mosh of boxes from our move and miscellaneous things that we had no idea what to do with.  Once it was emptied and gutted, it resembled what I described at the time as the interior of a Turkish prison.  Now, it is a nursery.  I don't find it depressing to go in there.  In fact, it gives me hope.  In case you're wondering, no, I'm not medicated.

Also under the lighting-a-fire-under-us category goes the changes in other parts of our home.  Gone are the dingy, yellowed, and peeling wallpaper, faded curtains that would be more at home in a funeral parlor, and dirty aluminum blinds on our first floor.  We have much more planned to do, but at least the living area is less embarrassing than it was just a few months ago. 

Compared to when we were first matched, I feel way more prepared and educated in terms of baby gear and our needs for travel.  Here's an example of how hopeful I'm feeling right now....I went to Babi.es 'R U.s yesterday.  I returned a couple of things and picked up a few other items.  My plan is to keep the suitcase we had filled with the baby items packed for the next trip.  I just took out whatever girly stuff I had in there and replaced it with green/yellow unisex things.

With the good comes the bad....this was our first match during our adoption journey.  With four months to wait, we shared the good news and excitement with family, close friends, and at our workplaces.  Well, it was fun while it lasted.  Our many failures with infertility treatments prepared us on how to deal.  Although a different road, we've arrived at the same destination too many times with IVF.  We've always had the "luxury" of dealing with those dashed hopes privately.  While our last IVF failure was over five years ago, we fell right into our usual roles....hubbs is hopeful until the end and I'm the realistic one.  We know how to handle it by now.  Keep calm and carry on.  It seemed almost natural.  Failure seems more likely than anything actually going our way.  However, I realized that it was the first time for probably all of our friends and family to take the roller coaster/crash-and-burn tour in real time right along with us.  I feel like we're such downers.  If I had another nickel for every time I said, 'We're OK...we really are!', I could probably also pay off a credit card.  

That being said, it was wonderful to actually feel the support from family, friends, co-workers, and bosses.  As I said, we managed to keep our infertility treatment stuff to ourselves in the past, but this failed match was so....public.  Ick.  But, it showed us that our family and friends are hoping for us and were probably just as disappointed as we were that things didn't work out as hoped.  I don't think that I gave some people in our life enough credit...I just assumed that those people didn't get it.  But I learned that they do to some extent and that they care and that they hoped this child would be a new person in their lives too.  I'm glad that we let people in this time.                  

The negatives of a failed match are so obvious...arms are still empty, the uncertainty of another match, the wallet is a bit lighter, back to work.  I tried to stay in bed over the weekend and be depressed...but it wouldn't take.  Plus, my back was hurting from lying there and I was hungry. 

Again, it was fun while it lasted.  Yeah, well not the last part, but most of it.  This was the very closest we ever got to being parents in the ten years of trying.  It's also the most hopeful that we've ever been.

Headed home

Things didn't go as planned.  We learned this morning that emom changed her mind about placing.  I don't feel like going into the details...not right now.  The main reason is that I'm just exhausted and we're traveling home tomorrow. 

We're really doing fine since hearing the news this morning.  I'm not angry.  I wish emom and her little one well.  We would have appreciated the courtesy of knowing all of this before we traveled halfway across the country, but this is all a part of our adoption journey.  We understand that this is a risk of adoption and we have no control.  It sucks, but what are you going to do?  Nothing to do, but pack it up and call it a day.  Once we figure out the finances, we want to jump back in the pool.  I don't really see a reason to wait.

 

We're here

I learned yesterday afternoon, about an hour before we were to leave, that we may not have the possibility of meeting emom today.  That was disappointing to hear.  P.lacement a.gency person is pretty difficult to deal with and is, in a word, miserable.  That's a whole other story and her personality is separate from the reason why we're probably not going to meet today. I'm not going to let her ruin this time for us.  I understand that her purpose is more a paperwork person and support person for emom, which is OK.  As long as she's all there for emom, that's what counts.  At least we have our co.nsultant holding our hand via phone if/when we need the hand-holding. 

Miserable agency person (MAP) may call but after our pseudo-conversation yesterday, it doesn't look good. I can't believe this person does this for a living, but apparently she works very well with emoms and bmoms. It's the adoptive parents who seem to really annoy her. I'm getting this picture from our consult.ant who told me that she had a bit of a run-in with another one of their families this weekend. The family told MAP that she was a nasty and mean person, other words were exchanged, etc. Yikes.

We don't plan on going that route (but glad to hear that someone apparently told MAP off). 

We arrived in emom's home state last night and travel was uneventful.  We checked into the hotel and the car seat I had shipped arrived a few hours before we did (yay U.PS!).

Since I'm not holding my breath about a meeting with emom today,  hubbs and I will probably do some exploring around town.  The same bone-chilling cold weather we had at home is here too.  It's freezing!