The ho-hums

I'm pretty bored today, so this post is just as boring.  I feel like everything I do this past week is kind of aimless.  At least when we were matched, there was something (or rather, someone) we were definitely working for and towards.  Now, I feel just...blah. 

We received two eparent situations in the last month, but we're not going to submit our profile for either.   Through our consultant, we're going to send our profile to an agency in Texas for them to 'keep on file'.  I look forward to each new week because there is always the possibility of a new situation or even a call about a baby already born....but the reality that it may take a while for us to get matched again always creeps into my thoughts.   

I heard news of two pregnancies this week.  In hindsight, it is simply amazing what our match did for me.  It was like a shield that protected me from the stabs of pregnancy announcements..."Oh, you're due in May with your second?  That's so great that you got pregnant when you wanted so that you could take the entire summer off for maternity leave!  Perfect timing!  Good for you!  Have you started thinking about names?"  Ping!  Boing!  That type of news that so easily and quickly deflated me over the years just bounced off when we were anticipating our own little bundle on an actual date.  Now, I'm vulnerable again...without my shield.

I was going to title this post, "The Shield", but it kind of sounds like a birth control device to me. Oh, the irony.          

(Escaping) Reality (via) TV

We decided not to go for the dog.  I know that having another dog in our home is in our future, but I'm not up for it right now.  We had Jake for 13 years and have been without a dog now for just over a year.  I feel that if we're going to do something as big as taking in an animal, we should be 100% into it and ready.  I'm at about 63% right now and that could vary from day to day.  So in the meantime, I'm developing other distractions....such as R.eality TV.  I'm addicted.  I believe that the addiction came to a head this weekend when I was sick and I realized the hold it has on me. 

America's Ne.xt Top Mo.del, Taba.tha's Sal.on Takeover, Cake B.oss, Interve.ntion, F.irst 48...oh my!
And Proj.ect Runway, Tod.dlers & Ti.aras...even that show about the family with the bazillion kids.  That's just a few of the shows that I watch.  They're like watching a train wreck  fascinating to me. 

My friend Dee mentioned this one in her blog....Te.en Mom.  I haven't seen the last episode, so if you're a fan and wish to discuss it freely, you'll have to go to Dee's blog.  I have it on DVR and will hopefully be watching it sometime soon.  I'll probably wait until Hubbs is out so that I can watch it in peace and not have to hear, "Why do you watch this shit?" as he walks by me sitting and staring at our new 46" TV (the one I told him that we didn't need), eyes wide and dry from lack of blinking and jaw slightly agape.  

I used to be more of a movie head and having a subscription to N.etflix made perfect sense.  I don't know why I still have the subscription.  I've now had the same DVD for at least 2 months.  Reali.ty TV shows only take 30-60 minutes to watch and then I can move on. 

That is, unless there is a marathon of the same show. 

     

Dogs

Our neighbor has a friend who made an impulse buy of a puppy.  What a moron.  Apparently now he's too busy and according to our neighbor, he's looking to unload the poor thing.  If he can't give it away to a good home, he's going to take it to the local S.PCA.  Hubbs told me this about thirty minutes ago and has since brought me his laptop to read the article he found online about this puppy's breed. 

Ugh.   

Since our dog passed away over a year ago, I have had pangs of wanting another dog.  I really miss having one in the house.  But then I quickly remember what a huge responsibility it is...we both work full-time...we're working on the house....we talked about rescuing an older dog, not a puppy.  And what if we happen to get "the call"?  Trying to figure out what you're going to do with a dog when you go away is difficult, let alone if that dog is a puppy.

Oh, I feel badly for that helpless pup.  Not bad enough to want to take it in though.  If I said yes, then we would be getting this puppy because Hubbs is interested.  I think Hubbs is being impulsive himself.  I want to tell our neighbor's friend that he's a freaking idiot.   Great...now I'm going to think about it all night. 

  


     

Getting back in the saddle

I can't believe that it's been over 2 weeks since the demise of our match.  I don't really think about it much.  I'm just curious to know if the baby was born.  She was due this past weekend, so I'm guessing probably so. 

I heard from our trusty consultant....we will be chatting tonight so I'm looking forward to that.  She wrote in her email to me that the agency will be sending us an itemized account of emom expenses, so we will know soon how much is left for our adoption budget. 

The consultant also sent us new information on an emom situation.  I'm chalking this up to just wanting to be matched again quickly....but it looks SOOO good on paper.  How can it look so good on paper...and in person, there's always the very good chance that it can fall apart??  Ahhhh....the human element of all of this.       

Hubbs and I will be discussing this later.  The match would be a long one (early summer due date), so I know that our discussion will likely be short and we'll ultimately pass on being considered.  Gives me some hope though....let's not forget hope.  That's all we got.

I also contacted our fa.cilitator about reactivating our profile.  Not holding my breath on that one since we received no action on our profile during the first 18 months of being in the process.  But I'm thankful that she even gives the option to go on hold.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm jealous of my pregnant co-workers/friends.  And not for the obvious reasons, well, not initally anyway.  My workplace is building a new parking garage, so we've all been displaced to off-site parking.  We're now shuttled to and from work, about 5-10 minutes away, which kind of sucks, but whatever.  So, my preggo co-workers (both due in about 5 months and visibly pregnant already) had to sign up for the off-site parking as well.  They each later received a call from the higher-ups stating that they don't have to do the off-site parking...as long as they arrive early enough, they will have a spot...they shouldn't have to ride the shuttle in their "conditions".  The reasonable part of me says that it's only right, it will be uncomfortable for them as it gets closer to their due dates, and that I wouldn't want to ride the shuttle if I were pregnant either. 

The irrational, angry part of me was kicking Reasonable E's ass yesterday though when I heard.  It really irked me, but I know that I was just using the parking thing as an excuse to be pissed...pissed that I'll never get that special 'you're pregnant!' treatment, no acknowledgement that I'm expecting too, just pissed in general. 

Well, what can I say....I'm getting back in the saddle with my anger too.

Back to normal

I needed a change from my previous blog layout...out with the old. 

Hubbs and I are enjoying a long weekend together.  We haven't picked up where we left off with doing projects around the house.  Maybe tomorrow.  I've been wanting to check out the Bo.dy W.orlds exhibition that is in the city.  Hubbs thinks that he may get grossed out by it.  But maybe he'll be interested if it means that he doesn't have to work on the house. 

Otherwise, things are back to normal.  We're thinking about a weekend getaway next week.  We did have a quick getaway just over a week ago, but a trip to the Midwest in 18 degree weather with a kicked-in-the-gut vibe doesn't count. 

Fun while it lasted

"Things happen for a reason."  I've heard that phrase more times than I can count this week.  If I had a nickel....I might be able to put a dent in my hefty student loan.  Is there a reason things happen?  Is there a reason that we can't win for trying time after time?  It goes without saying that it was quite a blow to hear the news that emom changed her mind after four months.  I've taken a few days to think about everything and in hindsight, I can honestly say that good things did happen because of this ill-fated match.  As I write that, I wonder if it still hasn't hit me yet.  I sound almost too chipper considering what happened just one week ago.

But I've come to the conclusion that yes, this match, that ultimately wasn't "the one", brought about some positive changes and discoveries.  For one, it lit a fire under us.  Four months ago, we had a room that held a mish-mosh of boxes from our move and miscellaneous things that we had no idea what to do with.  Once it was emptied and gutted, it resembled what I described at the time as the interior of a Turkish prison.  Now, it is a nursery.  I don't find it depressing to go in there.  In fact, it gives me hope.  In case you're wondering, no, I'm not medicated.

Also under the lighting-a-fire-under-us category goes the changes in other parts of our home.  Gone are the dingy, yellowed, and peeling wallpaper, faded curtains that would be more at home in a funeral parlor, and dirty aluminum blinds on our first floor.  We have much more planned to do, but at least the living area is less embarrassing than it was just a few months ago. 

Compared to when we were first matched, I feel way more prepared and educated in terms of baby gear and our needs for travel.  Here's an example of how hopeful I'm feeling right now....I went to Babi.es 'R U.s yesterday.  I returned a couple of things and picked up a few other items.  My plan is to keep the suitcase we had filled with the baby items packed for the next trip.  I just took out whatever girly stuff I had in there and replaced it with green/yellow unisex things.

With the good comes the bad....this was our first match during our adoption journey.  With four months to wait, we shared the good news and excitement with family, close friends, and at our workplaces.  Well, it was fun while it lasted.  Our many failures with infertility treatments prepared us on how to deal.  Although a different road, we've arrived at the same destination too many times with IVF.  We've always had the "luxury" of dealing with those dashed hopes privately.  While our last IVF failure was over five years ago, we fell right into our usual roles....hubbs is hopeful until the end and I'm the realistic one.  We know how to handle it by now.  Keep calm and carry on.  It seemed almost natural.  Failure seems more likely than anything actually going our way.  However, I realized that it was the first time for probably all of our friends and family to take the roller coaster/crash-and-burn tour in real time right along with us.  I feel like we're such downers.  If I had another nickel for every time I said, 'We're OK...we really are!', I could probably also pay off a credit card.  

That being said, it was wonderful to actually feel the support from family, friends, co-workers, and bosses.  As I said, we managed to keep our infertility treatment stuff to ourselves in the past, but this failed match was so....public.  Ick.  But, it showed us that our family and friends are hoping for us and were probably just as disappointed as we were that things didn't work out as hoped.  I don't think that I gave some people in our life enough credit...I just assumed that those people didn't get it.  But I learned that they do to some extent and that they care and that they hoped this child would be a new person in their lives too.  I'm glad that we let people in this time.                  

The negatives of a failed match are so obvious...arms are still empty, the uncertainty of another match, the wallet is a bit lighter, back to work.  I tried to stay in bed over the weekend and be depressed...but it wouldn't take.  Plus, my back was hurting from lying there and I was hungry. 

Again, it was fun while it lasted.  Yeah, well not the last part, but most of it.  This was the very closest we ever got to being parents in the ten years of trying.  It's also the most hopeful that we've ever been.

Headed home

Things didn't go as planned.  We learned this morning that emom changed her mind about placing.  I don't feel like going into the details...not right now.  The main reason is that I'm just exhausted and we're traveling home tomorrow. 

We're really doing fine since hearing the news this morning.  I'm not angry.  I wish emom and her little one well.  We would have appreciated the courtesy of knowing all of this before we traveled halfway across the country, but this is all a part of our adoption journey.  We understand that this is a risk of adoption and we have no control.  It sucks, but what are you going to do?  Nothing to do, but pack it up and call it a day.  Once we figure out the finances, we want to jump back in the pool.  I don't really see a reason to wait.

 

We're here

I learned yesterday afternoon, about an hour before we were to leave, that we may not have the possibility of meeting emom today.  That was disappointing to hear.  P.lacement a.gency person is pretty difficult to deal with and is, in a word, miserable.  That's a whole other story and her personality is separate from the reason why we're probably not going to meet today. I'm not going to let her ruin this time for us.  I understand that her purpose is more a paperwork person and support person for emom, which is OK.  As long as she's all there for emom, that's what counts.  At least we have our co.nsultant holding our hand via phone if/when we need the hand-holding. 

Miserable agency person (MAP) may call but after our pseudo-conversation yesterday, it doesn't look good. I can't believe this person does this for a living, but apparently she works very well with emoms and bmoms. It's the adoptive parents who seem to really annoy her. I'm getting this picture from our consult.ant who told me that she had a bit of a run-in with another one of their families this weekend. The family told MAP that she was a nasty and mean person, other words were exchanged, etc. Yikes.

We don't plan on going that route (but glad to hear that someone apparently told MAP off). 

We arrived in emom's home state last night and travel was uneventful.  We checked into the hotel and the car seat I had shipped arrived a few hours before we did (yay U.PS!).

Since I'm not holding my breath about a meeting with emom today,  hubbs and I will probably do some exploring around town.  The same bone-chilling cold weather we had at home is here too.  It's freezing! 

 

  

And away we go...

We leave tomorrow for emom's state.  I'm not only a cheeseball...now I'm a ball of stress.  I don't think I give off that impression right now.  I appear pretty calm on the outside.  However, I wasn't able to eat anything for most of the day.  That's very telling for me that the nerves are getting to me.  Hey, maybe I'll lose 10 L.B's by the time we get home, which would be great because we've been eating crappy all weekend. 

Thanks so much for the supportive comments and well wishes.  It means more than you know.  I plan on posting while we're there.