The race is on

Unfortunately for my Jamaica-bound and not-so-toned body, this will not be a blog entry about actual effort, exercise, or athletic competition.  The race to which I am referring is the one in my head.   I guess I should explain.  Back when we had been at the TTC (trying to conceive) game for a while, back when we were of the "appropriate" age for those things and it seemed that everyone we knew was getting pregnant for the first time or yet again, I frequently had thoughts of, "Oh, I have to get pregnant before she does." or "I'm wondering if they're trying yet." or "She can't have another baby before we have our first."   Every married couple of child-bearing age was fair game for my "race" challenge....again, this is all in my mind.  I wanted the next pregnancy announcement to come from us.  As each person I had in my sights got pregnant, it was just another race that had me left behind.  In comparison, my fertility, even with the technology and performance-enhancing drugs, was out matched, again and again.     

I find that even in the adoption process, I continue with my competitiveness.  It is a fact that with domestic adoption it can really happen at any time.  We could get a call in the next hour, tomorrow, or next week.  The call could be about a baby already born or one that is due in a few months.  However, the other sobering and sucky truth is that it could be another year before we get a match.   We have absolutely no control about when we might get THE call.  But still I "race" competitively with these totally unsuspecting and innocent fertile women.  I know what you're thinking.  This chick is cuckoo for cocoa puffs and/or a head examination is long overdue. 

My current "competitors" are at work.  I have three pregnant co-workers/friends and they're breathing down my neck.  I was truly in contention when we were in match mode....chatting it up with the other expectant moms about crib recalls, baby names, and the advantages of one formula brand over another.  I was going to have a baby before them all!  I was finally going to win!  Then I had a fall just before the finish and just like that...I was out.  Two are due early summer, and one is due late summer.  Just today, our environmental services guy said to me, "Don't drink the water!"  Snort, snort, chuckle, chuckle.  "You might catch what's going around!".  I looked up from my computer and told him flatly, "I have immunity".   He looked at me strangely and then pushed his trash cart away.  Oh, how I would love to be in the mix of upcoming babies.  There's still time.  Thoughts come into my mind that I very well could have a baby before all of them.  Or not.   

We recently heard news about yet another family pregnancy.  It really is so exciting and I'm happy for them.  It's great news for our family.  I will confess that a couple of tears fell later, but as always, I believe that they were brought on by the reminder that it didn't happen that way for us and we have a much different and longer journey.  I don't think that I'm so much envious of the pregnancy, as I am of the apparent ease in which it happens for most...the way we thought it was going to happen for us.  It stings to hear about a pregnancy and have that reminder of what we lost and of what we're still waiting for.  I don't want to be on the outside looking in anymore.  I want this journey to be over.  I'm just so. very. tired.  

No rest for the weary though!  They're not due until the fall.  My mind is lacing up the racing shoes. 
Bring it on.