Our experience working with a facilitator, thus far

In my last post, I wrote about working with a consultant.  This post is about the start of our journey when we decided to go with a facilitator, based in CA.     

The choice to work with an ad.option facil.itator came after attending a few adoption agency information seminars in our area.  One, in particular, is the "big guns" when it comes to adoption agencies in our area.  This agency is probably the largest, most well-known, and reputable by all reports.  However, after the seminar, we didn't have such a warm and fuzzy feeling.  As I looked at the list of costs and fees, it seemed very expensive.  Also, as we sat in the seminar, we both also felt that we would be just a number.  One couple among many.  Of course, the agency's priority is to the expectant moms, which is how it should be.  But what about the adoptive parents?   We just weren't feeling it.

We attended another agency's information session in a neighboring state.  The agency director was a big goober.  Hubbs and I couldn't wait to get out of there.  This agency was later shut down and is out of business.  So far, based on what we had seen, a traditional agency wasn't feeling right for us.

I can't exactly remember what led us to a facilitator.  I know that from the beginning, we weren't really into adopting within our own state because of its relatively long amount of time bparents have to sign TPR (30 days where we are).  We were definitely open to adopting out of state and finalizing in one that had a much shorter period to TPR.   I remember connecting with someone on an adoption board who lived in my immediate area and we met in person.  She and her husband had signed with this facilitator, but ended up finding a bmom situation on their own locally.  The match was successful and they had put their profile on hold with the facilitator.  Eventually, they did adopt their second child through this facilitator.

I scoured the internet via adoption boards and the Better Business Bureau looking for any information on this facilitator.  What I really wanted to find was the "dirt".  I couldn't find anything.   I spoke with her and got a good feeling from her.  She was outgoing and friendly, she gave me hope, but I also feel that she was realistic.  I tend to be very skeptical and I didn't feel like she was selling me a bill of goods. 
Now, working with a facilitator, you have to break the rules that you read or hear when you're entering the world of domestic adoption:

Rule #1:  Never, ever pay a large amount of money upfront to an adoption professional
Rule #2:  Facilitators are illegal, unlicensed, and in general, a scam. 

OK, so we broke Rule #1.  But, as I looked at the agency adoption fees vs. the facilitator fee + homestudy + legal fees, the facilitator made more sense at the time.  We had our homestudy done on our own with an independent home study agency/social worker for MUCH cheaper than what the local agencies were charging for a home study.  We were able to shop around for services, instead of having all of the prices dictated to us.  We liked that part. 

It's not for everyone though.  There is something to be said for "one-stop shopping" and having everything done by the agency.  It definitely takes more footwork and research to do those things on your own that an agency would typically handle.

Additionally, in hindsight, it is not a great idea to invest that much money to one adoption person at the very start.  When I asked about why we had to pay so much money upfront, she answered that it was for advertising.  OK, made sense...at the time.  We've been in the process for 2 years and because we put a good chunk of money with her, our adoption budget has been limited substantially.  For a long time before we signed with the consultant, we felt very stuck with the facilitator and going nowhere. 

As for Rule #2 that has many prospective adoptive parents running for the hills when they hear the "F" word...in our state, facilitators are not allowed to work within the state.  That does not mean that we are not allowed to work with them.  If/whenever we are placed with a child through the facilitator, we will need to obtain additional help through an agency and/or attorney, depending on the state.

From my viewpoint, to summarize the differe.nce bet.ween faci.litators and con.sultants:  facilitators advertise and interact  directly with expectant moms, while consultants deal only with agencies and attorneys. 

The facilitator had put our profile on hold when we were matched through the consultant.  (The consultant said that we could not put our profile on hold had the facilitator matched us first).  I recently contacted the facilitator to reactivate our profile.  Our 2 year contract should have been up last month, but she is continuing to work with us. 

Another difference with facilitators (ours anyway) is that instead of regular contact, clients are to call in about once a month to see if there has been any activity on the profile.  Our profile goes out based on emom's criteria and ours.  I do like the aspect that we do not know when it goes out.  It is less stressful in that way.  But I would prefer regular contact not always initiated by me, which is what I get from the consultant.  Our profile went out about six times in 16 months....not a good track record at all.  That's probably related to a number of factors, such as our openness to available situations that came to her and the decline in expectant moms who came to her compared to previous  years.

So, that's been our experience with a facilitator up to this point.  Again, working with a facilitator is not for everyone, for sure.  I kind of have a love/hate relationship in my mind with ours.  The truth is, if I had to decide again, I wouldn't choose to sign with a facilitator, mainly because of the money.  That being said, I do believe she is ethical and I've seen her successfully place babies with other families whom I know IRL. 

There is still the chance she could work out for us.

For those readers researching adoption professionals, only you know what feels right for you.  There are good and bad among agencies, attorneys, and facilitators.  For example, as I mentioned in my previous post, we worked with a "licensed, not-for-profit" agency in Oklahoma during our match.  Because I felt that she was so unprofessional in her manner, I would not choose to work with that agency again (maybe...but only if she had a stork drop to limit our contact with her awfulness). 

Questions?  Email me at waiting_and_waiting at ymail.com