Infertility sucks, period.

When we finally decided to adopt, for me, there was the end of one dream and the beginning of a new one. I had to accept the fact that I would never be pregnant...I would never have that positive pee stick to surprise my husband with, there would be no big announcement to family and friends, no ultrasounds with my husband by my side, no wondering who the baby would take after more...and the list goes on and on for things that will not happen. The decision to adopt and the letting go of my dream of becoming pregnant did not happen simultaneously. The grieving of that loss (and it is a loss) occurred over several years before we even started the adoption process. Even though we're moving on and still working on building our family, the grieving continues, but in smaller ways.

I would be lying if I said I didn't still think about the possibility of becoming pregnant, although remote. We've all heard the tales of surprise pregnancy after adoption. They're like urban myths to me. They all usually go something like this (insert appropriate relationships/country or state/time frame)...someone's cousin's best friend's sister adopted from Guatemala and then found out a month later she was preggo. Of course, I have been told these stories numerous times. These stories usually make me want to continuously hit my head against a wall. We were diagnosed as having unexplained infertility, which in my mind is as frustrating and confusing as it comes. Because there is no specific reason why we were not able to conceive, the diagnosis automatically comes with a built-in glimmer of hope. However, I do have my reality checks....first of all, I am now 37 years old and with that comes 37 year old eggs. Secondly, we endured 6 (SIX!) IVF procedures that all resulted in big fat negative pregnancy tests. Lastly, we haven't used birth control in years. Zero random pregnancies.

I am so excited about the privilege of becoming a mom through adoption. Having said that, I think I will always carry some sadness because we will not have a biological child. There are some days that just throw me for a loop. The obvious are the pregnancy announcements and Mother's day, just to name a couple. But other events, such as the first day of school or a Johnson & Johnson commercial have been known to throw me into intermittent crying spells for hours, even days. Infertility has become part of who I am, but I will not to let it define me. As mentioned earlier, there will be things I will never get to experience. Motherhood is not one of them.